


Caught in the Crossfire

by stayawake



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Alternate Universe- No Supernatural, Dean Winchester Deserves to be Happy, Friends to Lovers, M/M, Strangers to Lovers, The Bachelorette - Freeform
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-12-06
Updated: 2021-01-22
Packaged: 2021-03-09 17:54:04
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 9
Words: 30,672
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27920323
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/stayawake/pseuds/stayawake
Summary: Dean goes on The Bachelorette to get Sam and Jess off his back about meeting someone.
Relationships: Castiel/Dean Winchester, Dean Winchester & Sam Winchester, Jessica Moore/Sam Winchester
Comments: 26
Kudos: 62





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I'm so excited for this story. I'm new to writing for SPN so please bear with me, but don't worry because my wonderful friend Emma is a hardcore fan and making sure that Dean and Cas don't sound too out of character.
> 
> Years ago I read the phanfic Sidetracked by phanimist (sorry I literally cannot figure out how to hyperlink on ao3) and since then I was inspired to write a story where the boys go on The Bachelorette and fall in love with each other instead of the girl.
> 
> Anyone else currently watching The Bachelorette? I'm not the biggest fan of the show, but I'm watching the current season and that inspired me even more.
> 
> Enjoy!!! Feel free to leave a comment/kudos/etc. and my tumblr is swineaids if you're interested! Thanks for reading!

Dean was going to kill his brother.

He came to this decision many times over the last few months. When Sam first told him what he did. When Dean first got that phone call. When Sam dragged him to some department store to buy Dean a suit.

Sam’s happy. He’s engaged to his college sweetheart. He has an apartment and a dog and plans to be married in a year. And it’s not that Dean doesn’t want that. It’s just that he doesn’t know how to get it. He doesn’t know what happiness looks like.

But Sam does. Sam thinks he’s discovered the secret. Sam thinks that since now he’s an adult, he can try to take care of Dean in the same way that Dean would always take care of him.

Bullshit. In Dean’s eyes, Sammy is still the little brother who needs protecting. It doesn’t matter that Sam is three inches taller than him. Dean can tower over him any day.

Still, Dean wants to kill Sam. Because Sam and Jess are happily engaged and watch The Bachelor together every night with a glass of wine. And after several glasses of wine, Sam decided to go online and nominate Dean as a potential contestant.

It sent quite the shock to Dean’s system after getting a random phone call one day and being asked to interview with a producer from the show.

Sam claims he was too tipsy to remember nominating Dean.

“I’m going to kill you, man,” Dean had said months ago after that first phone call. He went straight to Sam and Jess’s place after work to ask them what the hell they were thinking.

Sam had only laughed. “I don’t remember doing it, but I stand by it.”

“I remember,” Jess said from the other end of the room.

“And you did nothing to stop him?”

“Dean,” Jess sighed. She walked over and placed a hand on his shoulder. “I think it could be good for you. Meeting someone. Putting yourself out there. You owe it to yourself to find happiness.”

Dean squirmed under her stare and glanced to Sam who was nodding. Jess was younger than Sam even, but sometimes she felt like a big sister to Dean. But most of the time, Dean just feels the need to protect her too. She’s almost a Winchester. It’s his duty to protect her.

“And who knows,” Sam said with a twinkle in his eye, “maybe there’ll be a few bi guys among the mix.”

Dean rolled his eyes and the moment was broken. He ate and drank with Sam and Jess and actually watched the show that night with them. He hated the idea of potentially being one of the overly dressed and impossibly attractive contestants on the show. He hated the idea of being on national TV and spilling his guts to some girl who would definitely send him home.

But Dean couldn’t shake the feeling that he wanted to do this. Maybe there is someone out there for him. And even though he’s definitely not going to find that person on a TV show, maybe it’s the first step to finding the happiness he secretly desires. At least he can get Sam and Jess off his back about meeting someone.

So, Dean went through the painstaking process of meeting producers and interviewing and going through a background check and creating a fucking Instagram account. He feels like a sell-out the moment he downloads the app. Not to mention, the producers politely demanded Dean tell them any and all skeletons in his closet. It bugged him, but he eventually revealed that he had a rough childhood with his mom dying young and left it at that. They don’t need to know all his darkest secrets. And when he was offered the opportunity to be on next season’s Bachelorette, Sam took him to get a suit and he and Jess threw Dean a going away party.

It’s hard to believe that he was in his bed only a few days ago, and now he’s in a limo and about to meet the bachelorette.

Dean doesn’t know much about her. He knows her name is Daisy and she was apparently the runner-up on last year’s Bachelor.

Dean isn’t familiar with the show. But he did his research and he knows he’s supposed to make an impression. He knows he’s supposed to make some grand gesture to impress the girl and separate himself from the rest of the contestants. He was told by the producers that nearly nothing is off limits. Apparently, this show is about proving you’ll do anything when it comes to love.

Bullshit. How is he supposed to know if he loves this girl after one night? Sure, he’s had his fair share of one-night stands (some of them not even lasting until the morning), but this is way out of his league. This is more than a quick fuck to make him temporarily feel less empty. This is about falling in love. And how is he supposed to fall in love with thirty other guys all grappling for her attention? Dean suspects that most of these guys come on the show just for the fame and attention. Who actually goes on a TV show expecting to find love?

Still, Dean wants to put in the effort and show off his authentic self. Sure, he thinks this whole thing is a joke and ridiculous, but he’s here so he might as well give it a shot. Besides, he saw a picture of Daisy and he can admit she’s hot. Dean would go on national TV to score some time with a hot chick. And being surrounded by 30 attractive guys isn’t so bad either.

When Dean steps out of the limo for the first time, all he can think about is keeping his balance. He was informed by the producers that the ground is sprayed with a hose to keep it glistening. Dean isn’t used to walking around in loafers regardless, and he doesn’t want to make an ass of himself by slipping on the ground before he can even say hello.

The bachelorette, Daisy, is smiling ear to ear. She looks genuinely excited and happy. Dean thinks he wouldn’t have the patience to stand here all night and pretend to smile.

“Hi there,” Dean says, smiling at her. He approaches her slowly and she immediately opens her arms for a hug.

“I’m Daisy,” she says. As if he doesn’t know.

“It’s nice to meet you, Daisy.” He keeps smiling for her. “I’m Dean.”

“Nice to meet you too, Dean.”

“I want to be straight up with you,” he says.

Her smile falters slightly, but she doesn’t let it fade completely. “Yes, Dean?”

“I’m not going to do anything flashy. I’m not going to pretend I’m someone I’m not just for the sake of gaining popularity points on some TV show. What you see is what you get with me. I’m not here to play games,” he says. He rehearsed this speech a lot in his head. From the few episodes he’s seen, he hates the petty drama that gets dragged out. He doesn’t want any part of that and he wants to make it clear from the beginning. He doesn’t really know what he’s looking for here, but he knows he doesn’t want to make a fool of himself on national TV.

Daisy smiles at this and actually pulls him forward to hug him. “I appreciate you saying that. I’m not here for any drama either. I’m here to find love.”

Dean moves back to look at her and he smiles again. Maybe he could fall in love with her. He tells her that he’ll see her later and makes his way into the mansion behind her.

The mansion is beautiful. He can’t believe that people actually live here. His childhood home could probably fit in the great room of this place.

There is already a large group of guys hanging around the place. They’re all impeccably dressed and chatting and sipping cocktails. Dean feels entirely out of his element. He’s far too aware of the cameras milling about the place and capturing everything that’s happening. The microphone strapped to his back feels heavy and Dean just wants a beer.

“Isn’t she beautiful?”

Dean looks at the guy standing next to him. He has his hands in his pockets and is staring out the window to where Daisy is greeting another guy. Dean nods.

Another guy pipes up from behind them. “I watched her last season and immediately had feelings for her. I applied as soon as they announced she was the next bachelorette.”

More guys follow suit talking about how beautiful Daisy is and how much they’re already falling for her. It’s almost too much for Dean. It feels so incredibly fake and he can’t get over how phony this whole experience feels. It pisses him the fuck off to sit around with these pretty boys who had everything handed to them on a plate. Maybe he made a mistake. He’s in way over his head.

It’s not like he’s going to find love on this show. It’s way too manufactured. None of this is genuine. And even if he does feel a connection with Daisy, how could he possibly compare to thirty other men? Sure, Dean feels like he can measure up in looks. But what about personality? What about providing for her? What about being there for her emotionally? The producers have made it clear that they’re not above pushing contestants to tears.

Still, Dean stays. Something is telling him to stay. He takes a deep breath and separates himself from the group of men that surround him. He makes his way to the couch and sits next to another guy.

This guy is different. He’s sitting upright and he isn’t smiling. He looks like he’d rather be anywhere else. Dean can relate.

“Hey.”

The guy looks over and Dean immediately feels intimidated. The man’s gaze is almost threatening.

Dean swallows. He reaches out a hand. “I’m Dean.”

The man shakes his hand firmly. “Castiel.”

Dean chuckles. “Your parents must have hated you.”

Castiel just looks at him. He doesn’t say anything.

Dean clears his throat. He looks around the room again. A few more guys have joined the group and Dean wonders how long the rest of this night will be.

“So how did you end up on the show?” Dean asks.

Castiel turns back to him. “My brother, Gabriel, nominated me. He thought it would be a funny prank.”

“No way. My brother nominated me too. Says he was too drunk to remember, but I’m betting he was closer to stone-cold sober.”

Castiel smiles slightly at that. “Gabriel has always been the prankster of the family. That’s what older brothers are for, I guess.”

“Older brother here. I can confirm that.”

Castiel leans in a tad closer to Dean. “I have to be honest, Dean. I really don’t think I’m going to win this thing. Honestly, I think it’ll be a miracle if I don’t get sent home tonight.”

Dean frowns at that. He knows he’s probably not going to find love here either, but hearing someone else voice the same sentiment makes Dean feel… Something. He doesn’t know how to place what he’s feeling.

“I mean, you’re probably not going to win either,” Castiel continues with a shrug.

He says it in a casual way. Like he’s not trying to hurt Dean’s feelings. He’s just merely stating a fact. Dean can appreciate that.

“Well, we might as well make the most of our time here. I don’t mind getting a free vacation and some free booze.”

Castiel nods along with that. Before Dean can say anything else, a few more guys join them on the couch, and turn the conversation onto Daisy and the show and how they’re already super into her.

Dean smiles and pretends he’s paying attention to the conversation. Someone ends up handing him a glass of wine and he tries to keep himself from downing it in one gulp. He needs something to settle his nerves. At least he feels a little more solid after talking to Castiel. Dean thought all the guys here would be empty and vapid. Castiel is the complete opposite of all those expectations, and Dean can’t help but feel drawn to him.

The men keep showing up one by one and just as Dean thinks this night might be never ending, Daisy walks into the room. Everyone falls silent and some of the men actually stand up as she enters.

“I’m really happy you guys are here,” Daisy says to the room. Everyone’s eyes are trained on her. “To me, falling in love is about finding your best friend. It’s about finding the person who makes you laugh. The person who puts you above everyone and everything else in their life. The person who is willing to sacrifice anything and everything for you.” Daisy pauses. Dean catches her eye. “That’s who I’m looking for. And I know that person is in this room right now.”

Dean wants that. He can joke and tease all he wants, but at the end of the day, Dean knows that the only thing he wants in life is what Daisy just described. A person who will love Dean unconditionally for everything that he is. He’s just not sure he’ll ever find a person like that.

Dean looks over at Castiel again who is staring straight at Daisy. He’s not looking at her like the other guys. He doesn’t look like he’s counting the seconds until she’s done talking so that he can approach her first. He looks like he genuinely cares about hearing what she has to say.

That’s admirable to Dean. Considering Daisy has barely finished taking a sip of her champagne and there’s already a guy asking if he can steal her for a second.

The other guys start moving around and voicing their annoyances about someone else talking to Daisy first. He thinks the guy’s name is Chad. Dean’s not sure how he’s supposed to remember everyone’s names. Maybe he’ll be sent home before he has to learn them all.

But Dean doesn’t want to go home. At least not yet. He knows he’s not going to find love here. He’s not going to find the person that would sacrifice everything for him. He probably won’t find that in the real world either. But he knows he’s definitely not going to find it here.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's the first rose ceremony! Dean is taking a liking to Cas.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Anyone else watching The Bachelorette this season? Crazy stuff. I feel like I sound like the biggest bachelor fan in the world, but I promise I'm really not that obsessed. I'm trying to keep details about the show as accurate as I can.
> 
> Anyway enjoy the chapter! Feel free to leave a comment and/or kudos!

Dean has had plenty of sleepless nights throughout his life. When he was little, his dad would leave the house for days at a time. And when John didn’t leave him and Sam with Bobby, Dean was left to take care of his brother. Dean used to be scared of the dark. When John was gone, Dean would stay up all night. He was scared to sleep, especially while Sam was sleeping. He needed to stay awake to watch out for Sam.

Dean grew out of that quickly. His dad was gone enough that Dean spent more nights being Sam’s protector rather than just a kid.

So now, having to stay up all night to film some vapid reality show doesn’t bother Dean as much as some of the other guys here.

They’re not allowed to have their phones so Dean keeps checking his watch. It’s getting pretty late. When Dean was little and scared to sleep in the house without his dad, he would leave the TV on all night and eventually pass out on the couch with a kitchen knife clutched in his hand and his dad’s Colt M19 next to him.

The guys are milling about the place as Daisy bounces around, trying to get a moment with each of them. Dean steps outside to one of the balconies and notices Castiel standing there, staring out at the mountains. The artificial lights surrounding the mansion light up the area enough for Dean to see Castiel turn and look at him.

“Enjoying your night, Cas?” Dean asks, the nickname rolling off his tongue.

Cas nods. “I’m from the east coast. We don’t really have mountains.”

Dean joins him at the railing. “I know what you mean. I’m from Kansas. Flat as fuck out there.”

Cas doesn’t say anything. He keeps staring at the mountains in front of them. Dean keeps talking.

“My brother and I took a road trip to celebrate him graduating college. Drove through California and Colorado and Wyoming and places like that. Drove through the Rockies for a while. It’s the middle of nowhere, but it’s so fucking beautiful.”

Cas turns to him. “I’ve never travelled much before. I’d like to see the Rockies.”

“Man, you have to. At least once before you die.”

“I think I’d like to move away from the east coast.”

Dean nods. “Well, you’re here now. How are you liking California?”

Cas takes a deep breath. “Dry.”

Dean chuckles. “My brother went to Stanford. It’s about five hours from here. You’d like it up there.”

“Would I?” Cas turns to him.

“Definitely. It’s so open and freeing. And it’s fun being on the coast. I didn’t see the ocean until I was twenty-six.”

“Really?”

“Yeah, man. Kansas. Surrounded by nothing but dirt and tumbleweeds.”

Cas hums at that, but doesn’t say anything else. Dean stands with him in comfortable silence and it’s nice. He almost forgets that they’re technically filming a TV show. That is, until one of the cameras joins them on the balcony and suddenly Daisy is there.

“Hi guys,” she says sweetly. Dean’s a little surprised to see her without some guy attached to her side.

“Hello,” Cas nods to her.

“Hi,” Dean smiles. He’s not sure what to say next. “Would you like to go take a walk?”

Daisy’s grin widens. “Of course.”

Dean reaches out an arm for her and she accepts. He turns to say bye to Cas, but the other man is already turned back around and looking at the mountains. Dean falters for a second and then shakes it off. He has a beautiful woman on his arm. He can talk to Cas later.

“So how are you enjoying this journey so far?” Daisy asks him.

“Meeting you has been the best part,” Dean says smoothly.

“You’re so sweet,” she laughs.

They walk outside and Dean can breathe easy again in the fresh air. They sit on a bench by the pool, and Dean looks up to the balcony where he was standing with Cas just a few minutes ago. It’s empty now and Dean can’t help but wonder where Cas went.

“Tell me about yourself, Dean,” Daisy says, pulling him back into the conversation.

He flashes a smile at her and shrugs. “What do you wanna know?”

“Tell me about your family.”

Dean smiles slightly to himself. He’d never get tired bragging Sam. “I have a little brother, Sammy. It’s weird being away from him.”

Daisy is still holding onto his arm and she squeezes it lightly. “Yeah?”

Dean nods. He’d rather not open up to a girl he barely knows, especially when that conversation is being filmed for national TV. So, he opts for talking about Sam and doesn’t mention his parents.

“We grew up in Kansas and I followed him to California when he went to college. We got an apartment and I started working as a mechanic. We stayed there until he graduated, and then we went back to Kansas.”

“Where in Kansas are you from?”

“Lawrence. Picture Kansas, if you can. It’s in between Kansas City and Topeka. Pretty close to Missouri.”

Daisy smiles politely. Dean can feel himself boring her. This is definitely not the same as hitting on some random girl in a bar. That’s a game Dean knows how to play. He’s feeling a little lost here.

“Sam nominated me for the show,” Dean says. “I had my doubts, but when I found out you were the bachelorette, I knew I had to come on the show.”

Daisy giggles and scooches closer to him. “It sounds like you and your brother are really close.”

“He’s my best friend,” Dean says honestly.

“I’d love to meet him one day.”

Dean doesn’t really know what to say in response. He keeps smiling, but the idea of this show moving into real life feels strange to Dean. It feels weird to think that he could potentially be engaged to this woman in just nine weeks. The idea doesn’t sit right with Dean.

So, instead, to ignore all of his thoughts, Dean leans forward and kisses her. He doesn’t know if he’s technically allowed to kiss her, especially on the first night, but she’s deepening the kiss so he figures it’s okay.

A tiny part of Dean is happy that Cas isn’t on that balcony anymore, watching this happen.

Daisy breaks off the kiss after a couple minutes. Dean knows he has an electric smile and flashes it for her once again. She blushes and leans forward to kiss him once more.

Dean doesn’t really know where to go from here, but thankfully they’re interrupted by a guy coming onto the patio and asking to steal Daisy away for a conversation. Dean smiles to her as she walks away, and then he turns to look at the mountains again.

He doesn’t feel jealous that Daisy is off with another guy. He doesn’t think too much about her kissing other men here. He knows the show gets more intense as the weeks go on. There are hometown dates and fantasy suites and other crap that’s supposed to lead to an engagement.

Dean wanders inside, still wrapped up in his thoughts, and catches sight of Cas standing in the corner of the room. Dean finds himself slowly making his way over.

“Hey, man,” Dean greets. He takes a sip of his drink.

Cas nods at him. “Long night?”

Dean shrugs. “It’s a bit much.”

“You don’t say.”

“Did you get any time with Daisy?”

Cas shakes his head.

“Aren’t you worried about getting sent home?”

“No. I told you I’m not going to win. Might as well cut my losses now.”

“Yeah, but I wouldn’t want to go home the first night. Not after going through all the bullshit to get here.”

“I guess that’s true. They forced me to download Instagram. People have never had this kind of access to technology before, and we just use it to post pictures of the food we eat and the people we love.”

Dean chuckles. “It’s ridiculous. I don’t know why they wanted us to make accounts since we can’t even have our phones in here.”

“Most of this process has confused me. I still can’t believe the point of the show is to get engaged in two months after dating thirty guys at the same time.”

“I guess there’s a reason why so many couples break up after the show. No one could actually fall in love in a place like this.”

Castiel takes another sip of his drink. “I suppose not.”

Dean doesn’t say anything else and he’s comfortable in their silence. He has no idea where Daisy is or when this night will end, but he doesn’t care too much.

He spends the next couple of hours talking with Cas. They move to one of the couches outside. Some of the other guys join them, but Dean doesn’t really care about talking with any of them. He likes talking to Cas. Cas is different from everyone else here, but in a good way. Dean doesn’t think he’s ever met someone like Cas before.

Cas speaks with such intensity. Dean makes a lot of jokes and laughs at himself, but Cas doesn’t laugh. He doesn’t smile much. He stares and squints at Dean like he’s trying to figure him out, and Dean relishes in it. He likes having Cas’s eyes on him. He feels seen. It’s intimidating, but Dean ultimately decides it’s a good feeling.

He’s about to tell Cas another story about Sam, specifically the time that Sam broke his arm, when the room goes silent. He glances over to see Daisy holding a single rose. She’s being trailed by a few guys and several cameramen. She smiles at each of the guys before her eyes settle on Dean.

“Dean?” she says, his name sounding like a question.

Dean glances at Cas, who is looking away, before turning his attention back to Daisy. He nods to her.

“Would you like to go somewhere and talk?”

“Of course,” Dean says, getting up and offering his arm out.

He decidedly doesn’t look back. Daisy leads him to a more secluded area outside the mansion. Dean can’t stop looking at the rose she’s holding. He knows what this means. The first impression rose.

“So,” Daisy begins after they sit down. She twirls the rose between her fingers and looks into Dean’s eyes. “You’re different, Dean. You’re different from every guy here. Even when I was talking to some of the other guys, my mind kept drifting back to you. I like you a lot and I look forward to getting to know you better.” She finally holds up the rose, presenting it to him. “Dean, do you accept this rose?”

“Yes,” he says with a nod. He doesn’t know what else to say so he opts to just keep smiling as Daisy goes to pin the rose to his jacket and then leans forward to kiss him.

This all feels way too manufactured to Dean. If this was real life and not a TV show, he would have probably just hooked up with Daisy and been gone by morning. Dean is all too aware of the fact that he’s expected to be falling in love at this precise moment. After all, he got the first impression rose. So far, he’s winning this thing. Apparently. It doesn’t feel right.

They talk for a little while longer. It’s mainly Daisy talking and Dean listening. She tells him about her family and her life back home and her previous experience being on the show. She’s nice and funny and smiles a lot. Still, Dean can’t find it in himself to relax because he knows there are cameras watching his every move. It makes him feel tense. He’d rather go find Cas and stand in the background of the group and talk to him.

The producers eventually tell them they have to wrap up the conversation because it’s time for the rose ceremony. Dean doesn’t really understand why he has to be a part of that bullshit considering he already has a rose and is technically safe. He’d rather just go to bed.

The men are already lined up when Dean enters the room. He’s directed to stand next to Cas and he breathes a little easier hearing that. If he has to endure another couple hours of this crap, he would definitely rather stand next to the only guy here who doesn’t make Dean want to stab his own eyes out.

The rose ceremony is boring as fuck. It’s like Daisy was told to drag it out as long as possible. She picks up each rose slowly and makes a point to look at each of the guys and take a deep breath before making her choice. Dean thinks he should be paying attention, but he just really doesn’t care. Although, he does notice that the roses are dwindling and Cas still doesn’t have one.

Dean barely knows the man standing next to him, but he doesn’t think he would last a week here without Cas.

He wonders how Cas feels. He wonders if Cas is nervous about being sent home. He’s made it clear from their first conversation that he doesn’t think he’ll last very long. Dean just hopes Cas is able to stay.

“Castiel.”

Dean thinks his sigh of relief is bigger than Cas’s. He watches the man next to him walk to the front of the room and accept the rose from Daisy. And when Cas turns back around, Dean is able to catch his eye. Cas has a hint of a smile on his face and Dean smiles back at him.

They made it. They have at least another week here. And Dean knows he’s supposed to be excited about having time with Daisy, but Cas is the one on his mind.

The rose ceremony finally ends and a bunch of guys are being sent home. Dean never bothered learning any of their names. The only thing he really cares about right now is going to bed.

One producer leads them to the bedrooms upstairs. There’s a bunch of bunkbeds in each room, and Dean can’t really believe that he’s stuck in this house until he’s kicked off the show.

He’s given a bottom bunk and it’s only a few feet from Cas. Dean rubs his hands over his face as he lies down. He finally has a moment to think.

Something about this is familiar to Dean. Packing a suitcase and sleeping in a bed that isn’t his own. His dad travelled a lot when he was a kid. Sometimes he and Sam joined him. Sometimes John would drop them off at Bobby’s. But now it’s different because he’s here by choice and Sam isn’t with him.

Dean reaches into his suitcase on the floor next to him and pulls out the rose. He can barely see it in the dark room. It’s fake, made of plastic, just like everything else here.

He drops it in his suitcase and rolls over. Cas is on his side and looking at him.

“Congrats on your rose, man,” Dean whispers.

“Thank you,” Cas says softly. His voice is almost deep enough to rival Dean’s. “Congrats on yours.”

Dean smirks and gently rolls his eyes. This makes Cas smile too. Dean decides he really likes Cas’s smile.

“We’re really in this thing now,” Dean says.

“We are.”

“I gotta tell you, man. I’m really competitive.”

“I’ve been warned.”

“Stop at nothing to get the girl, and all that.”

Cas doesn’t say anything, but he does keep grinning. They stay like that for a while, looking at each other and smiling. Dean doesn’t feel as stuck now. He feels a little more grounded than he did earlier. He has Cas on his team and if that’s the only thing Dean gets out of this show, then he’s at peace with that.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's the first group date. Dean has many thoughts and feelings.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello hello. Hope y'all are doing well. Enjoy this chapter!! I don't really have a set schedule for updating. I just want to update as often as possible. My job doesn't start for another couple weeks so I don't have anything else to do besides hang out in my apartment and write destiel fic. I'm not complaining though, it's a lot of fun.
> 
> Let me know what you think!!! Feel free to leave a kudos/comment!!!

For a show that thrives on drama, The Bachelorette is really fucking boring to film.

There’s no music or phones or TV. They’re not allowed to leave the mansion. The only times the cameramen are there is when Daisy shows up, but she doesn’t stay in the house.

Dean finds himself spending most of his time with Cas. They have plenty of days off between filming and Dean can’t fathom being here the full nine weeks. At least he can take comfort in the fact that he’ll probably be sent home soon.

Dean likes Cas the more they talk. He hasn’t spoken much with the other guys in the house. Even with the cameras off, it seems like the show is the only thing they can talk about. Daisy and falling in love and dates and roses. It’s really fucking boring, and Dean can’t follow conversations where the guys talk about previous seasons.

So, Dean talks to Cas. They spend a lot of their time on the balcony from the first night, just watching the mountains and enjoying each other’s company.

Dean gets genuinely annoyed when he’s woken up a few days into the week by one of the producers and told to get “camera-ready.”

But he supposes he’s here for a reason and that reason is falling in love. Dean keeps telling himself that he can leave whenever he wants. The producers made it clear before the start of filming that any contestant can leave at any time. But Dean stays because it’s not like he has much to go home to besides his brother and future sister-in-law.

Dean follows the producer’s directions to the living room where the rest of the guys are waiting. He steps over to Cas and they flash each other a brief smile before turning their attention to the host, Chris, who just walked in with a small, white envelope.

“Gentlemen,” Chris greets. “I present the first group date card.”

One of the guys picks up the card as Chris leaves. Dean doesn’t pay too much attention until he hears his name called. And then Cas is called too.

“I like long walks on the beach. How about you? Love, Daisy.”

“So, a beach date?” Dean whispers to Cas.

Cas shrugs, clearly just as confused, but the rest of the guys are already excitedly making their way outside.

“How much do you like the beach?” Dean asks. There’s a small bus waiting in the driveway of the mansion and Daisy is in front in a bikini and holding a bag of beach toys.

“Not much,” Cas says.

“No long walks on the beach for you then,” Dean jokes, and Cas lightly checks his shoulder with his own.

“Hi guys,” Daisy greets, already receiving some hugs from a few of the more eager men. “We’re heading to my hometown today. It’s not quite a hometown date, yet, but we’re visiting the Santa Monica pier. I grew up on that beach, and I can’t wait to share it with someone special.”

Dean follows Cas onto the bus and doesn’t hesitate before sitting next to him. He vaguely thinks about grabbing the seat next to Daisy, but someone else beat him to it. But Dean can’t really find it in himself to be upset because at least he has Cas.

“I’m excited to leave the house,” Dean says as the bus starts to drive away.

“Yeah?” Cas asks, looking out the window and not at Dean.

“Yeah. I tend to get restless.”

“I’ve noticed.”

Dean looks down at his lap and tries to ignore the warmth he feels in his face. He’s not used to people noticing him. And he’s certainly not used to being so strongly drawn to someone. But he and Cas are in this together. They’re like battle buddies. Dean can appreciate forming bonds in unusual circumstances.

“So, tell me why you hate the beach,” Dean says a few minutes later. After the slight moment has passed and he can collect his thoughts.

Cas turns away from the window at that. “I grew up on this tiny beach. It’s fun when you’re a kid. Building sandcastles and swimming every day.” He turns back to the window. “It gets old quick. I feel like I’m still finding sand in my shoes years later.”

Dean chuckles. “So where are you living now? East coast still?”

Cas nods. “New York. Inwood, actually. It’s as north Manhattan as you can get without leaving the city.”

“Wouldn’t have pegged you for a city guy.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah, I’d place you in Seattle or something. Maybe Portland.”

“Those are both cities, Dean.”

“Yeah, but not New York, man. You seem way too calm for that.”

“I don’t mind it. Upper Manhattan really isn’t that crazy. I’m a professor at Columbia so I don’t tend to venture below 110th street.”

“Wow, you’re a professor? Of what?”

“Theology.”

“What is that, like religion and shit?”

Cas squints slightly at Dean’s wording. “Yes, Dean, like religion and shit,” he says lightly. “What do you do?”

“I’m a mechanic,” Dean says, realizing how lame that sounds compared to being a professor. Years later, he still feels like he comes up short compared to Sam and his fancy degree. He hates feeling like that around Cas as well.

“I could never be a mechanic.”

“Why, too simple?”

Cas frowns. “Too complicated. I don’t know anything about cars. It’s part of the reason I like the city. No need for a car.”

Dean shakes his head. “No way, man. My car is my life. Been working on her since I was a kid.”

“Really?”

“Hell yeah. I grew up in that car.”

He decidedly does not mention the nights he spent sleeping in the car with his dad and Sam. Their conversation is already getting uncomfortably close to family. Dean wants to avoid the subject as much as he possibly can.

Thankfully, Cas doesn’t say much else. He gives Dean a kind smile and goes back to looking out the window.

Dean glances up and catches one of the small, security cameras attached to the wall and pointing at him and Cas. It suddenly reminds Dean of the microphone attached to his clothes and he feels uneasy. He was told by several producers that they have cameras everywhere to film everything. But being reminded of that fact makes Dean feel agitated. His conversations with Cas belong to them. He hates the idea of them belonging to someone else.

They don’t talk much for the rest of the bus ride, but Dean will occasionally point out something that they pass. He likes talking to Cas, and he just wants to have something to say. At one point, Dean looks away and catches Daisy’s eye. It reminds him of why he’s here and Dean just ignores the thought and watches Cas watch the world pass.

They get to the pier and it’s crowded, and their group draws in a lot of attention. Especially because people apparently know who Daisy is and apparently know that they’re filming The Bachelorette. Dean knows this is a popular reality show, but he can’t really fathom that so many people waste their time with this shit.

Though, he supposes, that means he’s wasting his time too. But it doesn’t really feel like a waste.

The idea of a group date is odd to Dean. There’s no goal or objective. It’s kind of like just being back at the house and fighting for Daisy’s attention.

It’s a huge game that Dean has little interest in playing. Sure, he likes Daisy and he likes talking to her, but he isn’t here to make drama out of nothing. He’d rather just hang out with Cas.

A couple producers, a bunch of cameramen, and Chris Harrison are the only other people on this group date. Each of the guys are given some petty cash, told to make their time count because Daisy is giving out a rose tonight, and to meet back up in six hours.

“Can we avoid the sand?” Cas asks.

He and Dean are already walking away from the rest of the guys. A few have split off and a few are crowding around Daisy to be the first to spend time with her. Dean notices one of the cameramen following him and Cas as they make their way to look at the rides.

“Still bitter about the sand, are we?”

“You don’t know true torture, Dean, until you have sand stuck to every part of your body,” Cas says, his tone deadly serious.

“Is that an invitation?”

Cas actually rolls his eyes at that, which does weird things to Dean’s insides that he chooses to ignore, and asks Dean about the best rides.

It turns out to be a really fun day. If a friendship with Cas is the only thing Dean gets out of this experience, then he won’t be complaining. It sounds like the best-case scenario.

Despite how much fun Dean had, it feels somewhat wrong. He knows this isn’t what he’s supposed to be doing. It’s not what Cas is supposed to be doing. They’re here for a very specific reason, the same reason, to fall in love. Dean can’t explain why that bothers him so much. He doesn’t really care about his own feelings. But he’s really curious about Cas’s.

He doesn’t see Daisy until later in the day when the sky is blue and the boardwalk is reflecting the bright lights from the rides. He’s in line with Cas to ride the Ferris wheel when Daisy taps him on the shoulder.

“Got room for one more?” she asks, a note of playful flirtatiousness in her tone.

“Definitely,” Dean says, casually bringing an arm up to wrap around her shoulders.

“I haven’t seen you guys all day,” she says.

“We’ve just been hanging out. Right, Cas?” Dean finally looks over and Cas seems like he’s trying to smile.

“Yeah. Went on some rides. You wouldn’t believe how loud Dean screams on a roller coaster,” Cas says.

“Hey, shut up.”

Daisy laughs. She leans into Dean’s side and holds onto him as if his body is supporting her. He feels her staring at him, but he can’t stop looking at Cas to confirm his suspicions.

When they get to the front of the line, all three of them pile into one cabin together and Dean can’t help but feel slightly bitter. He isn’t sure why he’s feeling like this. He likes the idea of being on the Ferris wheel alone with Cas. Even though he spent all day with Cas and he’s supposed to be here for Daisy.

Cas is the one to break the silence. “Did you have a good day?”

“Yeah,” Daisy nods, smiling. “I love this place. I grew up on the beach here. It’s nice to be somewhere that reminds me of home.”

“I know what you mean,” Cas says. He looks at her intensely. “Sometimes it’s nice to be reminded of home.”

“Hang on, buddy, you ranted to me all day about how much the beach sucks,” Dean says. Watching Cas and Daisy hit it off makes Dean feel a lot of feelings that he isn’t able to name. They both give him an odd look.

“The beach itself isn’t that great, but the memories are what make it special, Dean.”

Dean shrugs and Daisy rubs his arm before turning her attention back to Cas.

“Did you grow up around here?”

“Cape Cod. There’s something about growing up in a tourist destination. People visit all the time and walk on your beaches and swim in your ocean.”

“I know what you mean,” Daisy says, earnestly.

Dean doesn’t. He grew up on the road. All over the place. Constantly moving around. Not for the first time, he feels ashamed for his childhood. He was the kind of person to go places and temporarily insert himself in other people’s lives. Not that he really had a choice since it was John dragging him and Sam all across the country in search of nothing.

Dean sits this conversation out, but he listens and tries to calm himself down. There’s something in his chest that aches and is on fire. There’s some part of him that is watching Daisy and Cas bond, and it makes him want to tear his hair out.

Jealousy, he figures, because he and Cas are supposed to be competing for this girl’s hand in marriage.

Nevertheless, Daisy doesn’t let go of Dean’s arm for the duration of their Ferris wheel ride and the walk back to the bus. She’s still talking to Cas, but she’s holding onto Dean. It’s probably for the best. Dean doesn’t want to imagine the feelings he would have if Daisy was clinging onto Cas instead.

Thankfully, after getting back on the bus, another guy snags the seat next to Daisy before she can ask Cas to sit with her. Dean is secretly pleased about this for reasons he doesn’t really understand. But he is happy about getting to have Cas to himself on the ride back. During the drive, one of the producers reminds everyone that Daisy will be handing out a rose when they get back to the house.

Dean feels bad for thinking it, but he hopes Cas doesn’t get it. Yes, he wants Cas to stay at the house, but he doesn’t know how he would feel if Cas actually made it through the whole show, proposed, and lived an apple pie life with some random girl.

That’s not how it’s supposed to go. That’s not how it’s meant to turn out. There’s a small part of Dean that just knows it’s not going to end like that, simply because it’s not supposed to. Dean tends to trust his gut, and right now his gut is telling him that Cas does not belong with Daisy.

He doesn’t tend to get weirdly possessive like this. At least not with people he barely knows. He’s possessive over Sam. He became possessive over Jess in a brotherly way. He became possessive over Lisa when they were dating. He doesn’t know why he’s feeling so possessive over Cas, a man he’s known for less than a week.

Still, they ride in comfortable silence back to the mansion, the producers line them up and check their mics, Daisy stands in front of them holding a single rose, and Dean can’t stop looking at Cas. Not until Daisy calls out another guy’s name and Dean can suddenly breathe again.

Cas doesn’t say anything about his weird behavior and unusual silence, which Dean appreciates. He wouldn’t know what to say anyway. He definitely can’t tell Cas that he doesn’t belong with Daisy, but shouldn’t go home yet. There’s no way in hell Dean is going to allow himself to be so vulnerable around a guy whose last name he doesn’t even know.

How does he not know the guy’s last name? The dude has been living in his head rent-free all day, and Dean hardly knows anything about him.

God, he needs to chill. He remembers he used to be like this a lot when he was younger. Back when he was still in the closet and even more guarded, yet also more vulnerable. Back when he was easier to break.

Dean refuses to allow himself to break. It’s not going to happen, especially on some shit reality show.

“What’s your last name?”

They’re lying in their bunks now. They’re not looking at each other even though Dean really, really wants to stare at Cas. Sometimes Dean tends to overthink.

“What?” Cas whispers

“I just realized that I don’t know your last name,” Dean says softly, careful to not wake up any of the other guys.

“Novak. You?”

“Winchester.”

“Strong name,” Cas says, and Dean can hear the smile in his voice.

“Thanks, man.”

They’re quiet for a minute. Dean listens to the other guys sleeping. He doesn’t really know what to say, but he wants to keep talking to Cas.

“Did you have a good time today?”

“Yeah,” Cas says. Dean turns to look at him. “I’m glad I got to talk to Daisy today.”

Dean feels his heart sink a tiny bit. “Yeah?”

“I don’t really care that I didn’t get the rose. It’s just nice to have a conversation. I feel a little more secure about my place here, which is good. I don’t really want to go home yet.”

“You don’t?”

“Not yet. I feel like there’s a reason to be here.”

Dean doesn’t reply to that. A few days ago, Cas seemed like he couldn’t care less about being here. Maybe he’s starting to like Daisy. Maybe that’s why he wants to stay. Dean suddenly feels incredibly foolish that Cas is here for Daisy and Dean is here for Cas.

Dean shakes his head slightly. He’s not here for Cas. He’s here for Daisy, of course. But Cas is just an added bonus. Cas makes Dean excited to get up in the mornings. Cas makes Dean not dread having to spend hours in an empty house with nothing to do. Cas makes Dean laugh. Cas is… Cas. There’s simply no other way to put it.

“Goodnight, Dean,” Cas says after a couple minutes. His voice is soft.

Dean turns over and they’re looking at each other. His heart quickens and his breathing stops for a second. He holds Cas’s gaze.

“Goodnight, Cas.”

Cas smiles at that and turns over in his bed. Dean continues staring at him. He tries to put away his weird, confusing thoughts about Cas. He doesn’t need to think himself to death about Cas and Daisy and this stupid fucking show. He can worry about it another day.

Besides, it’s not like he’s going to be here much longer. There’s no way he lasts longer than a week or two on this show. Dean isn’t trying that hard to sweep Daisy off her feet. No. He’ll head back to Kansas and put this whole experience out of his mind. He’ll forget about Cas and Daisy and the cameras and everything else he’s gone through in the past few days.

Dean tells himself he’ll forget. But he looks over at Cas again. He watches him sleep.

And maybe he doesn’t want to forget.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dean struggles with his priorities.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello hello! Happy Christmas Eve! Y'all watch The Bachelorette finale? Crazy stuff. Anyway hope you guys like this chapter!!!! Please feel free to leave a comment/kudos or come talk to me on tumblr @swineaids!

The next day, Daisy has a one on one date with a guy in the house named Sawyer, and Dean couldn’t be more thrilled.

Being stuck in the house all day does make him feel like a prisoner, but Dean supposes it’s better than having to play the game. He’s exhausted after the group date yesterday and he isn’t sure if it’s from walking around or pretending that he’s all-in on this reality show crap.

He still can’t believe Sam nominated him for this. He wants to know what Sam said in the application for the producers to choose him.

Dean’s still a little surprised in himself for going through with it. It’s certainly not his scene at all. He can’t imagine the people in his life watching him on the show in a few months.

He knows Lisa would casually watch the show. He wonders how she would feel about seeing him on here.

He knows Bobby will refuse to watch the show, even if Dean is in a few episodes. He said this straight to Dean’s face before he left. Dean can’t blame him. He doesn’t even know if he’ll watch this crap when it airs.

He’s a little worried about how he’s going to be perceived. But he mostly doesn’t care too much. He kind of just wants to leave the show and forget any of this ever happened.

Except Cas, of course. Now that he has Cas’s friendship, he’s not letting that go any time soon. He knows he wouldn’t be able to forget Cas even if he wanted to.

“Are you nervous for the rose ceremony this week?” Cas asks.

They’re on the same balcony from night one. Cas likes it a lot, and Dean shamelessly follows him around blindly.

“Kind of,” Dean admits.

“I think I am as well.”

“What are you worried about?” Dean asks.

Cas shrugs. “Not getting a rose and being sent home. I took the semester off to come out here. Just feels like it would be a waste if I went home so soon.”

“At least you have your job waiting for you when you get back. My brother told me that some people actually quit their jobs to be a part of this bullshit.”

Cas actually laughs at that. “Seriously?” He shakes his head slightly. “Are you going to have a job when you go back home?”

“Oh yeah. I work for a family friend. Bobby. He’s a good guy. Told me to go off and do the show as long as I don’t make him watch it after.”

Cas chuckles. “I’m a little worried about my students seeing me on here. I didn’t even tell my colleagues I was doing this. But I guess they’ll find out soon enough.”

“You don’t seem like the type of guy to do this kind of thing.”

“I told you, it was all my brother.”

“Well, I guess our brothers are giant dicks.”

That gets Cas laughing some more, even if he does shake his head at the end. He shrugs. “I love Gabriel. I do. But sometimes he acts like we’re still kids and he has to take care of me.”

“That’s what big brothers do, man. We do what we think is best.”

“He acts like I can’t take care of myself.”

Dean feels like he’s listening to Sam. Sometime during high school was when Sam started getting annoyed at Dean trying to take care of him. It culminated into a huge fight a week before Sam left for Stanford when Dean announced he was tagging along.

He went along because, even at eighteen, Sam was still his baby brother that needed protecting.

It’s still their biggest fight to date. They didn’t speak for a few days, but then came to the solution that Dean will still go to California, but do his own thing.

“He just cares,” Dean finally says in response to Cas.

“I know.”

“It’s a hard habit to break. I’ve taken care of Sammy for as long as I can remember.”

“But who takes care of you, Dean?”

Dean feels his heart drop out of his chest at that thought. He’s never needed protecting. It’s his job to look after Sam and he doesn’t care that there’s no one watching out for him. He doesn’t need that.

Before Dean can form a response, a producer interrupts them and asks them to join the rest of the guys in the main living room for filming purposes. Dean tries to be casual and rolls his eyes as they walk over. Cas gives him an understanding smile.

“I’m just saying that since you’ve gotten here, all you’ve done is try to cause drama,” one of the guys is saying to another.

The rest of the men are silent. But the one being shouted at, Ellis, is just shaking his head in amusement.

“The hell did we walk into?” Dean whispers to Cas. They’re standing in the corner of the room. A part of him wonders if this fight is genuine, or if the producers encouraged the guys to start shouting.

“I have no idea,” Cas says, almost smiling.

He nudges his shoulder against Dean’s and they share a look. If the producers are forcing them to be a part of the show and participate in the drama, then at least they have each other. At least they can suffer through this together.

“I am not the one trying to cause drama. I’m here to find love. You’ve had a problem with me since night one, Mason,” Ellis shouts back.

“God, this is such a pile of bullshit,” Dean mumbles into Cas’s ear. Quiet enough to not be heard by the other guys, but Dean is still conscious of the mic taped to his back.

“I came here to get engaged. If any guy in this room is here for a reason other than Daisy, then they should escort themselves out right now. That means you, Ellis,” Mason says.

Dean glances at Cas. Not for the first time, he’s left wondering if Cas is truly only here for Daisy or if his priorities are other places. Dean’s certain that his own have shifted in his time here. But he doesn’t really know what that means.

What does it mean that Dean decides to stay for reasons other than Daisy?

The fight simmers out pretty quickly after that and the atmosphere shifts. It feels like the guys are taking sides and Dean doesn’t really give a shit. He just wants to be alone with Cas.

But Dean was being dragged away by one of the producers to have a one-on-one interview. He’s already done a few of these this week and it’s kind of annoying. They constantly ask him about the drama going on in the house or his feelings for Daisy, and Dean doesn’t have much to say about either topic. His mind can only focus on Cas.

“Whose side are you taking?” the producer asks.

Dean shrugs. “I’m not taking anyone’s side. I think it’s pretty fucking meaningless.”

“So, you don’t care that Mason is accusing Ellis of being here for the wrong reasons?”

Dean laughs because this whole situation is ridiculous. “This show’s about finding love, right? Why is everyone so focused on this petty drama?”

The producer doesn’t answer him and instead asks, “Well, some of the guys have noticed you and Castiel not participating much. Do you think you’re here for the right reasons?”

Dean straightens up when he hears that. He didn’t expect to be called out like that. He feels like his private thoughts are being pulled out of his head to be analyzed for people’s pleasure. He doesn’t really know how to respond.

The producer just stares at him. Dean looks from her to the cameramen to a few other people mingling in the background as he tries to think of a response.

“Um,” Dean starts. He clears his throat. “This show’s about Daisy. I’m here for Daisy.” Lies.

“Could you expand on that?”

“I don’t know, man,” Dean says, feeling fed up. “She’s hot.”

“Hot?”

“Yeah, she’s hot. And funny and kind,” he continues. His mind drifts to Cas.

“Some of the other guys have said that they can see themselves falling in love with Daisy. Do you think you can also see yourself falling in love with her?”

Dean leans forward and looks directly into the camera. “I can definitely see myself falling in love.”

He surprises himself when he says it, but it’s true. And if he’s picturing Cas’s face when he says it, then no one needs to know.

The producer doesn’t say anything else, but she looks at him for a while. Dean holds her stare and she eventually tells him he can go. He feels paranoid as he walks away and a part of him is convinced they can read his mind.

In his initial interview with the producers, he didn’t tell them that he’s bi. It’s not that he’s ashamed. But he’s definitely not comfortable enough to announce it on national TV. He’s not in the closet, but he does have some reservations about being out and loud and proud. Especially when he’s living in a house with a bunch of overly heterosexual men.

But Dean’s hoping that his bi panic isn’t too obvious. And he’s hoping that he can either get his thoughts under control, or fall in love with Daisy for real.

If he was ten years younger, he wouldn’t give it a second thought. He would have hooked up with her by now.

But Dean is thirty. One-night stands are getting exhausting. Sam and Jess are the perfect couple, and Dean finds himself wanting that. He wants someone who will put him first above all else. He wants someone who will love him unconditionally for who he is. He wants someone who doesn’t care about all the shit in his life and garbage in his mind.

Dean finds Cas pretty immediately after the interview. He’s on the same balcony as before. The sun is setting now and Dean sits next to him. He decides that he’s going to be more authentic around Cas. He’s going to open himself up a little bit. He likes Cas a lot, maybe too much, and Dean thinks he wants to explore that. He thinks he’s okay with the idea of Cas more than Daisy.

She’s great, but Cas is something else. He’s incredible. He’s amazing. There’s something magical about him. Some part of him that draws Dean in and makes him want to give up everything for Cas.

Dean doesn’t really know what that means. He’s never had those kinds of feelings before. It almost scares him.

But it’s also exciting. It’s exciting to think about things working out in Dean’s favor. He’s never had much luck in life before. Things tend to go badly for him. But Cas is new. Cas is hope. Cas makes Dean feel like nothing can touch him.

Deep down, Dean feels like Cas is it. He feels like no matter what happens, on this show or in his life, Cas was brought to him for a reason.

“What do you think Mason meant?”

Dean tries not to blush when he realizes he was staring at Cas. “What?”

“He said that Ellis was here for the wrong reasons. What do you think he meant by wrong reasons?”

Dean shrugs. “I don’t know, dude. Maybe he’s here for the clout.”

“Clout?”

“Fame.”

Cas nods. He sits still, but Dean twitches his fingers for something to do.

“Maybe some of the guys aren’t here for love,” Dean offers.

Cas frowns at that. “Then why do they stay? Is it the validation? Is it the clout?”

Dean doesn’t answer him. “Are you here for love?”

“Yes.”

It’s simple. He doesn’t elaborate and Dean doesn’t ask. He doesn’t know if he wants the answer. But he does wonder, if Cas is here for love, why does he spend most of his time with Dean? That has to mean something. It can’t mean nothing.

“I wasn’t at first. I didn’t have any expectations when I came here,” Cas says. He turns to look at Dean. “Sometimes I feel like I’ve spent my whole life wandering around looking for answers.”

“And you think you’ll find answers here?”

“I’m starting to feel like I might.”

They stare at each other. Cas has a very intense gaze. His eyes are sharp. Dean feels exposed. He feels like Cas knows him, knows every part of him. If Dean was younger and more vulnerable maybe he’d look away. He’d make a joke and smile and ignore the feeling in his gut that tells him to trust Cas.

He doesn’t look away. He stares right back at Cas. He refuses to stand down. He decides to go deeper.

“Sometimes I wish I could have things. Things that I never imagined wanting,” Dean says. He almost whispers it.

Cas reaches out a hand and places it on Dean’s arm.

It’s late. The sun has set. Dean can hear commotion coming from downstairs. Daisy is back from her date and they’re technically supposed to be waiting to greet her.

They’re also technically supposed to fall in love with her.

Screw technicalities.

“What the fuck.”

It’s not a question. Dean pulls back from Cas like he’s been burned and stares at the guy who just interrupted them. Dean thinks his name is Tanner.

“We were just talking,” Dean says, trying to sound casual. Trying to act like he wasn’t thinking about kissing Cas.

“Sure, dude,” Tanner says with a laugh.

Dean feels his face heat up. Sometimes Dean wishes he was straight. He knows it’s fucked up to think something like that and he should embrace who he is, but if he was straight then he wouldn’t find himself in situations like this. He wouldn’t want people who he should have no business wanting. It would just be easier.

“We were just talking,” Cas finally says, his voice firm. He keeps his eyes on Dean, but Dean refuses to look at Cas.

“It’s cool,” Tanner says. Dean silently begs him to not say anything else. “Daisy’s back. One of the producers asked me to get you guys.” Silence. “I’ll see you guys down there then.”

Dean doesn’t look at Cas, even after Tanner leaves and they make their way through the mansion. Maybe it would be best to put space between them. Maybe the idea of pursuing Cas is stupid and childish and the completely wrong decision. Maybe Dean should focus on Daisy, like the show intends.

Just before they head into the great room, Cas puts a hand on his shoulder. Dean tries not to shrug him off.

“Are you okay?”

“Yeah, man,” Dean says, casually.

Cas doesn’t say anything else. Dean doesn’t know what he would even want Cas to say. It’s not like anything happened between them. They were just staring at each other. And leaning in close together. But that doesn’t mean that something was actually going to happen.

Cas keeps staring at him until Dean eventually gives up and looks at him quickly. Cas doesn’t say anything, but he drops his hand from Dean’s shoulder and walks into the great room.

Dean takes a deep breath and glances around the room to find one of the cameramen standing somewhat behind a bookcase. Dean pushes down his instinct to give the guy the finger and makes his way into the next room.

He walks with confidence. Daisy clocks him immediately and runs over to give him a hug. She tells him she’s happy to see him and Dean feels weird about the one-on-one attention. Especially when there are over twenty guys also vying for her to notice them.

Dean’s eyes find Cas who is standing across the room and watching them. He looks away and sees Tanner on the other side of the room, seemingly looking to Dean then Cas then back again. His expression is unreadable and it scares Dean. Even though Tanner didn’t even see anything happen.

But something was going to happen if they weren’t interrupted. Dean knows it and he wonders if Cas knows it too. He wonders if Cas thinks about him the way he thinks about Cas. He wonders if he’s always on Cas’s mind the way Cas is always on his. That can’t mean nothing.

Maybe it would be good to make space between him and Cas. Maybe it would be good to put all his time and energy on Daisy, the person he’s actually here for.

But Dean isn’t so great at following directions, especially his own.

He looks at Cas again. Blue, blue, blue eyes. He smiles and Cas gives him a tiny smile back.

Dean thinks that he would do anything, just to see that smile on Cas’s face again. Maybe it’s not a bad thing after all.


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dean and Cas open up to each other. There's another rose ceremony. Dean feels very conflicted.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know I literally just posted, but I wrote this so quickly and I'm really excited about getting it posted. Enjoy!
> 
> Trigger warning near the beginning of the chapter for mentions of abuse.
> 
> Let me know what you think!!! Leave a comment and/or kudos!!!!!

Daisy has another group date the next day and Dean’s stuck in the mansion again with nothing to do.

Nothing to do besides spend time with Cas. Dean has no complaints.

This time they find themselves in the basement. The door leading downstairs was locked, but that’s never stopped Dean before.

“I really don’t think we’re allowed to be down here,” Cas had said once Dean picked the lock and dramatically opened the door.

“What are they gonna do, arrest us?” Dean chuckled.

“This is breaking and entering.”

“How is it breaking and entering if we technically live here?”

“I think we’re considered guests rather than residents.”

“Yeah, we’re guests. We were invited to this house. It’s fine,” Dean said.

He pulled the door shut behind them and led Cas into the main basement area as if he owned the place. He spotted the bar immediately and was grabbing two glasses without a second thought. He figured Cas would worry less with some alcohol in his system.

Cas did end up relaxing. Especially after three drinks. They lie on two couches facing each other and stare at the ceiling.

“Where’d you learn to pick locks?” Cas asks.

“You mean to tell me that you never engaged in petty crime as a kid?” Dean jokes instead of answering the question.

“I’m serious.”

He doesn’t look at Cas. “We travelled a lot when I was a kid. My dad dragged us to different motels all over the country. You pick up that shit quickly when your brother’s only chance for a hot meal is to sneak into someone’s house and steal their food,” Dean says. He surprises himself for admitting that. Maybe it’s easier to open up after a few drinks and you can’t see the other person’s face.

“Jesus.”

Dean blushes. Sometimes he forgets how fucked up his childhood was. Sometimes he forgets how judgmental other people can be.

“Yeah, sorry, you don’t need me dumping my shit on you,” Dean says.

“No, Dean.” Cas sits up and looks over at Dean. “I can’t believe you were forced to live like that. I’m so sorry you were put in that position.”

Dean thinks his heart might actually literally fall out of his chest. He’s uncomfortable, but pushes through it. He reminds himself that this is the goal. He wants to open up to Cas and be vulnerable. The idea of putting space between them is fucking stupid.

“Can I ask you something kind of personal?”

Dean laughs because they’re already way past personal. He’s lying on a couch in a therapist’s office and crying about how he was daddy’s blunt instrument.

He’s with Sam on the side of the road, leaning against his car, and tearing up about how he should have died instead of their dad.

“You tell me something first,” Dean says. He can’t be the only vulnerable one here.

“Fair,” Cas says and settles back into the couch. “I ran away when I was fifteen.”

“Like, really ran away?”

“Yeah,” Cas says and he actually laughs. It sounds empty. “My parents put a lot of pressure on us as kids. Sometimes it felt like the whole world was on my shoulders.”

“I get that feeling.”

“One night, I got into a really bad fight with my dad. I think it was just about homework or whatever, but it evolved into something so much bigger.” Cas shakes his head and frowns. “My dad’s not a bad guy, Dean. I was being kind of a shit. He slapped me and I left. He never put his hands on me like that before and he hasn’t since.”

“Cas,” Dean says, his voice breaking. He feels devastated. Angry. He wishes he could go back in time and beat Cas’s dad to a bloody pulp.

“I slept on the floor of Gabriel’s dorm for about a month after that. I stayed with some cousins for a while. I went home eventually and it was never discussed again.”

“Cas,” Dean says again.

“You know,” Cas says, sitting up and looking straight at Dean. He laughs again. He talks like he’s speaking of another life. “I was so angry at the time. I guess I still am. I don’t know. Time really does make things easier to forget. But I don’t think I can ever forget the fact that he rejected me when I needed him most.”

Dean doesn’t know what to say. He’s heartbroken and sad and so, so angry for Cas. He grabs his beer and takes a sip. He wishes he had the right thing to say.

“I know that was a lot,” Cas says. He moves over to Dean’s couch and they sit side by side. “I don’t think of my parents as abusive. I don’t really know what to think of them.”

Dean doesn’t say anything, but he nods.

“Sometimes you just want to imagine that they tried their best.”

“And you feel guilty for making them the villain in your head. And then you wonder if you’re remembering things wrong,” Dean finds himself saying, relating to Cas.

“Yeah,” Cas says softly. He stares at Dean for a while.

“My dad died a few years ago.” Dean feels weird saying these words out loud. It’s not often he shares these things with people he hardly knows. “He never hit me either, but sometimes I wondered if he would.” Cas moves closer to him. Their legs are pressed together. “He never hit us. He’d just leave us alone for weeks on end and tell me to look after Sam. That’s it.” Dean presses his hand to his eyes when he feels the tears forming.

Yeah, he wanted to open up, but this was a lot.

“Just because he didn’t hit you doesn’t mean he wasn’t abusive,” Cas says firmly.

Dean nods. He’s heard that before. Hell, he’s said it to himself and Sam has repeated it a number of times. But Dean still feels like a sissy for thinking of himself as abused when he never went to bed with bruises.

And he feels guilty for thinking of his dad as abusive. His dad did his best as a single parent. The word abuse is strong and it leaves a bad taste in Dean’s mouth.

“Did you have a mom growing up?” Cas asks softly. His arm finds its way around Dean’s shoulders. Dean barely notices.

“She died when I was four. House fire. Something in the electrical, I think. Dad tried to save her, but couldn’t,” Dean says. He stares at the ground. It’s hard to comprehend that he’s talking about his own life. “I wanted to be a firefighter for a while after that. But I don’t know. It never really panned out. I don’t think I could be in the business of saving people. I can barely look after myself,” he continues. He tries to joke and keep his tone light, but Cas sees right through him.

“I’m so sorry, Dean.”

Dean shrugs. He’s used to people apologizing. He grew up with the pity that comes with having a dead parent. He doesn’t remember his mom that well. It’s hard to mourn a woman who’s face he barely remembers. Instead, Dean mourns the loss of what could have been. He mourns the loss of Christmas mornings and trips to Disney World and family dinners. He mourns not having a normal childhood and not allowing himself to be a kid. He mourns the fact that he had to grow up when his mother died and had to be a surrogate parent to Sam while their dad was gone.

“Dean,” Cas says again.

Dean looks at him and his breath hitches. He didn’t realize how close they were sitting.

“You didn’t deserve any of that.”

“You didn’t either, man,” Dean says.

“I wish I could go back in time,” Cas says. “We could have run away together. Or something. Be each other’s families.” He’s smiling. “Your brother, too. We could have,” Cas trails off. He looks wistful.

Dean tilts his head slightly to keep himself from tearing up more and lets out a deep sigh. He would have run away with Cas in a heartbeat. He probably still would now.

“I hope that’s not weird to say,” Cas says. “I promise, I’m usually a well-adjusted adult. But sometimes I think I’ll be holding onto this teen angst for the rest of my life.”

Dean laughs at that. He can definitely relate. “Don’t worry about it, man. Maybe in another life we’ll be some teenage runaway team.”

“I guess I’ll see you then.”

They stare at each other for a moment. Cas picks up his glass and downs the rest of his beer. He then grabs Dean’s beer and drinks that too. Dean gets up from the couch and reaches out for Cas and pulls him off the couch. Leads him upstairs before any of the producers come looking for them and scold them for breaking into the basement.

They spend all their days together as it is, but Dean feels even more drawn to Cas now. Especially after the trauma bonding earlier. And it’s clear Cas feels the same way too since he doesn’t leave Dean’s side for the rest of the day.

That is, until Tanner finds them lying on a couch together. It’s kind of pointless for them to scramble away from each other because Tanner rolls his eyes.

“Don’t let me interrupt,” he jokes.

Dean tries to give him some type of smile, but he still doesn’t relax. His walls are immediately up again. He doesn’t need anyone assuming anything before he can even figure out his own feelings.

“How’s it going, man?” Dean asks rather than commenting on the fact that he and Cas were practically in each other’s laps a minute ago.

Tanner leans forward and the smile is wiped from his face. “Look, you guys are cool and I don’t really care what’s going on here.”

Dean stops him before he can continue. “We’re just hanging out, dude. It’s so fucking boring here.”

Tanner stares at him. “Right. Again, I don’t really care, but I just thought you should know that a few other guys in the house have been making some comments.”

“What are they saying?” Cas asks. Dean feels too embarrassed to speak.

Tanner shrugs. “Just that you guys seem more interested in each other than the show. A few homophobic jokes. I don’t know. I thought you guys would want to know.”

Dean doesn’t really know how to respond, but he does feel the angsty teenager inside of him wanting to lash out and shut down. Cas isn’t saying anything either.

“I’m sorry they’re saying those things. It’s mainly just Mason being an ass and Chase trying to cause drama,” Tanner says. He stands up and takes a few steps before turning around again. “Don’t take it too personally.” He pauses like he’s considering his next few words. “I hope you guys find what you’re looking for here.”

Dean doesn’t know what to say after Tanner leaves. He likes knowing that there’s someone else in his and Cas’s corner. Maybe not on the same team, but at least allies. Dean can appreciate that.

“I hope you’re not bothered by what other people are saying,” Cas says. He’s moved back to Dean’s side and is resting a hand on his shoulder.

Dean looks at Cas’s hand and back at his face. “I’m not,” he says, surprising himself.

Maybe he would have been bothered by it in the past. Maybe if he was ten years younger, he would push Cas away and insist he’s no fag and go hook up with Daisy.

But he’s not that person anymore. He’s grown up a lot in the past few years. He’s learned to become more comfortable with himself. He not only admitted that he is bisexual, but he came out to Sam and decided to live his truth.

He’s open about his sexuality and he’s only sometimes ashamed of it. Dean wishes he could be braver. He wishes he could be one of those guys who goes to pride parades and covers themselves in glitter. He wishes he could be brave enough to celebrate who he really is. Dean’s been really sick of hiding himself lately.

Maybe he could get there one day. He doesn’t struggle with internalized homophobia as much as he used to. He doesn’t deny his sexuality when asked about it. He used to wish he were straight. He doesn’t anymore, but sometimes he wishes his life was easier.

Dean wonders if Cas is straight. He hopes not. Maybe he and Cas could leave this show together. Maybe in another lifetime they could have met in normal circumstances.

“It’s probably not even about you, Dean,” Cas says.

He’s brought back to the conversation. “What?”

“What Tanner said. About the other guys saying things. Sometimes I wonder if the producers say things to get drama started on purpose.

“Cas, I promise I’m okay,” Dean says. Because he is. He really is okay. It’s just. It’s weird. This whole situation is weird. It’s not natural, and Dean wishes he could have met Cas in the real world. Not like this

He wishes Cas were bi and into him.

Dean has always had high hopes.

“Good.” Cas stares at him for a minute. “And if you’re not okay then you can talk to me.”

“I know.” A beat. “You can always talk to me too.”

“Thank you, Dean.”

They sit there for a while longer. Until a producer finds them and tells them to get ready for the cocktail party and rose ceremony later.

The cocktail party before each rose ceremony is really boring. They’re still stuck in the house, but now forced to wear fancy clothes with way more cameras around than normal. And the competition is heightened with Daisy mulling about the place.

Oh, and they’re required to hang in and around the great room. Dean is specifically told by a producer that he and Cas can’t “wander off” like normal.

At least they’re encouraged to drink alcohol.

In fact, Dean is encouraged to drink and find Daisy and have a conversation with her. He wonders if the producers are supposed to be influencing him. He wonders about the purpose of producers when this show is supposed to be about finding love naturally.

This is not natural at all, and sometimes it downright makes Dean’s skin crawl.

“Let me get you another drink,” Dean says as soon as Cas finishes the one in his hand.

Cas laughs slightly. “Are you trying to get me drunk, Dean?”

“Is that a crime?”

“Depends on your intentions.”

Dean bites his tongue to keep from saying something too flirtatious. Maybe he should cool it with the drinks because he knows he’s getting dangerously close to making some comment about the things he wants to do to Cas.

On the other hand, Dean has always been the type of guy to say what’s on his mind. Shoot first. Ask questions later.

Dean settles with saying, “I intend for you to be sober enough to be a consenting adult.”

Cas’s face remains unreadable, but Dean forces himself to keep a straight face. He doesn’t want to give away himself and his feelings. But flirting is fun. And Dean kind of wants Cas to know about these weird feelings he’s been having.

There’s no bartender in the house so everyone has to make their own drinks, but Dean isn’t complaining. He feels more comfortable around the bar rather than the other guys except, obviously, Cas.

“You’re, like, a natural at that.”

Dean glances up from behind the bar and Daisy is smiling at him. She’s twirling a piece of hair in between her fingers. Dean takes a moment to look at her face and notes that she’s really fucking beautiful. Apparently, she was the runner-up contestant on last year’s season of The Bachelor, and it’s beyond Dean’s mind that she didn’t win the show. Who wouldn’t want her?

Dean can admit he wouldn’t mind being with her. And he’d probably be working harder to win her over if Cas wasn’t here. She’s trying to start a conversation with him and he’s still thinking about Cas.

“I’ve bartended here and there,” Dean tells her.

“Yeah?”

Dean nods. He slides her a glass of wine and pours a couple beers for him and Cas.

“Sometimes if money’s getting a little tight, I’ll pick up a few shifts at my friend’s bar,” Dean says. He glances behind Daisy to Cas who is chatting with Tanner.

Daisy frowns. “Oh?”

Dean shrugs. “I have no complaints. I try to pick up more shifts around the holidays. People visit home, fight with their families, get super drunk, and tip us well. If someone is having a shitty Thanksgiving, at least I get to profit off it,” he jokes.

“You spend your holidays at a bar?”

“You make it sound way more pathetic than it actually is.”

It’s not that pathetic. At least not in Dean’s opinion. Sam usually spends the holidays with Jess and her family. They always extend an invitation to Dean, but he doesn’t want to intrude.

Daisy tries smiling. Dean tries to not think about how the other guys here are doctors and lawyers and professors. He’s a mechanic who occasionally moonlights as a bartender and gleefully takes money from sad alcoholics.

“How was your date today?” Dean asks, changing the subject.

Daisy lights up. “It was amazing. It was this big field day date. We got to play all these games and sports from childhood. It’s nice to reminisce on those times.”

Dean nods even though he can’t relate, but he thinks it would be easier than explaining that he moved around so much that he never had a field day. Pretending to understand is easier than further bumming out Daisy with more depressing details of his life.

“Chris Harrison even played some games. I gave him a participation ribbon at the end,” she adds.

“That’s funny,” Dean chuckles, sipping his beer.

He glances at Cas again, who is now watching him. Dean throws caution to the wind and sends a quick wink in Cas’s direction. Cas smiles. Daisy doesn’t seem to notice.

Dean tries thinking of something to say. “Are you ready for the rose ceremony?”

Daisy nods. “I look forward to them more than when I was on the other side of it.”

“Yeah, it kind of sucks waiting and wondering if your name is gonna be called,” Dean says.

He tries to sound light and casual, but he knows he doesn’t care about this shit. He kind of hopes Daisy doesn’t give him a rose. He kind of hopes that Daisy eliminates him and Cas. He really, really hopes that Cas feels the same.

“Don’t worry too much, Dean,” Daisy says with a wink.

His heart nearly stops in his chest.

“So, tell me,” Daisy says, pushing her drink aside and moving closer to Dean. “Who else do you think is worthy of a rose?”

“Cas,” Dean says immediately. He blushes and looks away. If Dean is getting a rose, then Cas better fucking get one too. “Castiel is great. And genuine.” A pause. “I think he’s here for the right reasons,” Dean says, because that seems to be what everyone wants to hear.

Except Dean’s a big fat liar because he knows he’s not here for the right reasons. He’s standing across the bar from a gorgeous woman who he has no intention of marrying. He’s telling her to give Cas a rose because he wants more time with Cas. He wants another week with Cas. He doesn’t want to think about leaving the show and going back to Kansas while Cas goes back to New York. He doesn’t want to think about any of it.

But he also really doesn’t want to think about Cas falling in love with Daisy.

Daisy turns away and gazes around the room. “I really like Cas,” she says after a moment.

“Me too.”

Daisy looks like she’s going to say something, but another guy comes over and asks for a moment of her time. She looks conflicted, but agrees anyway.

“Thanks for the drink,” she says to Dean as she’s being led away.

“No problem,” Dean says.

His eyes are already on Cas as he grabs the two beers next to him. He needs to get back to Cas. He needs to talk about something other than being here for the right reasons or roses or this stupid fucking show.

“I think Daisy is gonna give me a rose,” Dean blurts out.

So much for not talking about the show.

“Keep it up and you’re going to hometowns,” Tanner chuckles, sipping his drink.

“Shit, man,” Dean laughs because it sounds ridiculous. There’s no fucking way in hell he’s staying here that long. He needs to figure his shit out. The expiration date is ticking.

“Don’t you want to make it to hometowns?” Cas asks, suspiciously casual.

Dean stares at Cas, but he feels Tanner rolling his eyes next to him.

“That’s the goal. Right, Dean?” Cas continues.

Fuck it.

“Sometimes I don’t know anymore,” Dean answers honestly.

Cas stiffens at that and, if possible, stares even harder at Dean.

“I’m gonna let you guys talk,” Tanner says, slipping out of their conversation.

Cas puts a hand on his shoulder. “Dean?”

“I mean, come on, Cas, like,” Dean pauses, exasperated. “What is this?”

Cas’s eyes soften. “Dean.”

He’s desperate. “Just tell me I’m not crazy.”

Cas sighs. “You’re not crazy. But, Dean,” he’s cut off.

He’s cut off by fucking Chris Harrison, and Dean just wants to grab Cas’s hand and run away from this whole nightmare together.

Instead, the rose ceremony is starting. Dean’s directed to stand across the room from Cas and he wonders if he could put up a fight about it. Probably not a good idea.

But nothing stops him from continuously looking over at Cas.

Dean is the second name she calls. He has to tear his eyes away from Cas and look over at Daisy. For the first time, he notices the hope written across her face. He never even considered the feelings Daisy has for him. He figured that there were plenty of other guys here for her to fall in love with. He figured she would gloss over him entirely.

He approaches her slowly. He knows the other guys are watching. He feels Cas’s eyes on his back.

“Dean, do you accept this rose?” Daisy asks.

He doesn’t want to go home. He doesn’t want to be here. He doesn’t want to be with Daisy or play this stupid fucking game anymore.

But he wants more time with Cas. He wants to figure out his feelings. He wants to know how Cas feels. He said that Dean isn’t crazy. That has to mean something. Dean wants to find out. And right now, it looks like he’s going to get answers if he accepts this rose.

“Of course,” Dean smiles at her, acting like it isn’t even a question.

She smiles back and pins the rose to his blazer. She leans forward and gives him a hug.

“I told you that you have nothing to worry about,” she whispers against his neck.

Dean feels his blood run cold. She likes him. He’s thinking about Cas.

He goes back to his place in the midst of other guys. He feels like he can finally breathe again once the next guy is called and everyone’s attention turns to him.

Except, Cas is still looking at him. His face doesn’t give away his thoughts and Dean is dying to talk to him.

He practically told Cas how he felt. And Cas practically said it back.

You’re not crazy.

Dean needs to know what that means.

“Cas,” Daisy says.

Dean wonders if she has feelings for Cas. He wonders if Cas has feelings for her. He wonders how this whole mess is going to end.

Maybe Cas does feel something for her. Maybe he feels something for Dean. Either way, he accepts the rose immediately. At least they get another week together.

Dean finds himself stealing glances to Cas for the rest of the rose ceremony.

They don’t get a chance to talk later because after the rose ceremony, Daisy is ushered away and the rest of the remaining guys, all seventeen of them, are told that filming has commenced and there will be another date in a few days.

Dean welcomes the idea of having a few days off. No cameras. No Daisy. No fucking drama. He wants to sit down with Cas and pick his mind about all of this. He wants to know how Cas is feeling. He wants to know how Cas feels about him. He’s not leaving here without Cas.

At the very least, he’s not leaving until he gets an answer.


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dean makes a bad decision.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi hi happy New Year's Eve. This one's a little short, but the next chapter is already mostly finished! Feel free to leave a comment/kudos!! Enjoy!!!

Cas gets a one-on-one date with Daisy, and Dean nearly loses his mind.

The next time they get a moment alone, Dean wants to say something, but he can’t.

He likes Cas. He can admit that to himself now. He can admit that his feelings for Cas go deeper than his feelings for Daisy. He can admit that, at this point, he’s staying on the show for Cas.

It’s confusing, and feelings scare the hell out of him, but Dean’s tired of holding himself back from being happy. He’s spent his whole life refusing to let himself be happy. For a while, he wasn’t sure he deserved happiness.

But fuck that. If Dean has a chance to be happy, he’s going to take it.

He’s still scared, though. Cas hasn’t said anything either and maybe he’s scared too. They established that they’re not crazy, but nothing has been said beyond that.

Now, though, Chris Harrison walks into the house with a date card, places it on the coffee table, and leaves.

Cas’s name is on the card and Dean is not okay with it.

“Are you excited for the date?” Dean asks.

He follows Cas up to the bedrooms and is watching Cas get ready for the date. And, selfishly, Dean wants confirmation that Cas isn’t interested in playing this game anymore.

Cas doesn’t give Dean much to go off of. He shrugs as he buttons up a light blue shirt. It really brings out his eyes and Dean tries not to stare.

“You should enjoy yourself,” Dean says.

He doesn’t really know why he says it. He’s a little pissed that Cas was chosen for this date, and he feels like he has to say something. He thinks that telling Cas to enjoy himself is the mature thing to say.

“Dean,” Cas sighs.

“Don’t make it weird, man,” Dean says, leaving the room.

He needs to get out of there. He can’t watch Cas getting ready for a date with someone else. The someone else that they’re supposed to be falling in love with.

Dean purposefully sulks by the pool as Cas leaves the house. Not only does he have to think about Cas on a date, but he also has to spend the whole fucking day alone. Dean thinks he might lose his mind from the boredom.

A little while after Cas left, a producer pulls Dean aside to interview him.

“So, Dean,” the producer begins. “You’ve made it to week three. How are you feeling?”

“I’m feeling good,” Dean says, lying through his teeth.

“How do you feel about Cas getting the date card this morning?”

Dean stiffens and looks away from the camera. “I’m a little jealous,” he admits.

The producer stares at him. “Of Cas?”

“Yes.” Liar.

The producer doesn’t say anything else and Dean squirms in his seat. Eventually, she asks a few questions about some of the other guys in the house and Dean tries to answer them the best he can.

Soon enough, they let him back into the house. He considers breaking into the basement again, but Dean thinks it’s too depressing to drink alone in the basement. He wanders around the house and chats to a few guys whose names he can’t remember and tries his best not to think about Cas.

Cas. Cas Novak. Castiel Novak on a date with Daisy. Dates mean kissing and opening up and intimate moments. Dates mean falling in love.

Dean tries to take his mind off of Cas. Books aren’t technically allowed in the house, but Dean still snuck some Vonnegut in his suitcase. He sneaks upstairs and grabs the book and reads and reads and reads until the sun is setting.

When the room is too dark to see the words on the page, Dean hides the book again and heads out onto his and Cas’s balcony. He sits and looks at the mountains. He can’t believe that people live next to mountains. He can’t believe that people get to look out their bedroom windows every morning and see beauty like this.

Dean loves Kansas. It’s his home. But there’s nothing remarkable or breathtaking about it. When he lived in California, he would drive up and down the Pacific Coast Highway and look at the ocean. He would drive through the mountains of Northern California and just look.

Moving back to Kansas was kind of depressing, but Dean didn’t really want to stay in California alone. Sam and Jess were moving back so Sam could study for the bar and decide which state to take it in. Jess was applying to different PhD programs after getting her masters in social work and working for a couple years.

Dean was just kind of trailing them like a lost puppy.

“Hi.”

Dean turns around to see Cas in the doorway. He looks exhausted. His eyes are tired and his shirt is untucked and wrinkled and he looks like he had a long day at work rather than going on a date.

But the only thing Dean is really focusing on is the rose pinned to his jacket.

Dean tries to smile. “How was it?”

Cas steps forward. “She kissed me.”

Dean’s heart drops. “What?”

“I’m sorry, Dean.”

“Um. Well, I mean,” Dean stammers for a moment. “You don’t really have anything to apologize for,” he says.

Because it’s true. Cas shouldn’t have to apologize. They aren’t dating. They aren’t exclusive. They aren’t even a they. They’re Dean and Cas, not Dean-and-Cas. They’re just friends. Even if they did establish the other night that they both might want more than that.

Cas isn’t looking at him. “It felt wrong.” He glances up. “I’m sorry.”

“Look, man, you don’t have to apologize,” Dean says again. He swallows the pain and the tears and forces a smile that doesn’t quite reach his eyes. “We’re here for Daisy.”

Cas tilts his head and gets this sad look on his face. “Dean.”

Dean steps back and shakes his head. Still smiling. “Don’t worry about it.”

He turns and leaves before he can say anything else. He has no right to be this upset. He and Cas haven’t said anything since the last rose ceremony. They haven’t talked about the things they said or the near confession they both made.

It doesn’t mean anything.

It has to mean something, but maybe it doesn’t. Maybe Dean is forcing it to mean something.

Dean spots Daisy nearly immediately when he gets downstairs. She’s talking to some guy and Dean is acting before his brain can catch up and tell him to stop.

“Can I steal you for a second?”

Daisy’s face perks up at the question and Dean doesn’t care to look at the other guy who is now glaring at him. Dean just takes her hand and leads her out the side of the house.

His heart is hammering in his chest. He doesn’t know why he’s doing this. Maybe because he’s angry. Maybe because he just needs to know for sure. He needs to be a hundred percent sure before he makes any big declarations to Cas.

Maybe this isn’t the way to do it. But it doesn’t mean anything.

It doesn’t mean anything when Dean kisses Daisy. It doesn’t mean anything when he gently pushes her against the wall and kisses her like his life depends on it. It doesn’t mean anything in the same way all those countless one-night stands didn’t mean anything.

He doesn’t feel anything. Dean kisses Daisy the same way he always kisses girls. Fast. Hard. Aggressive. It’s second nature to him.

But it doesn’t make him feel anything. He feels more when Cas smiles at him. He feels more when Cas touches him. It makes Dean feel invincible. Like he could do anything.

But kissing Daisy makes Dean feel nothing. If anything, if feels wrong. It feels forced and harsh and unforgiving.

And when Dean finally pulls back from the kiss and glances up, he sees Cas lingering in the doorway. He looks hurt, but not shocked, and Dean feels stuck.

“Where did that come from?” Daisy giggles, wrapping her arms around Dean in a hug.

He looks down at her, blinks, looks up again, and Cas is gone.

Dean is a bad person. He is a bad person who hurts people and takes what he wants and doesn’t regard other people’s feelings.

Still, he smiles. He thinks about how easy it would be to lean down and kiss her again. He thinks about how easy it would be to win this competition. He knows how to say all the right things. He knows what to say to make girls fall in love with him.

He doesn’t want this girl falling in love with him.

“I was lonely today,” Dean says, still fucking smiling.

“Well, I know for a fact there is a group date later this week. You won’t have to be lonely too much longer.”

“Perfect,” Dean says. His stomach is in knots.

“Perfect,” she repeats. She looks happy.

They’re still standing there, smiling, and Dean hopes she can have it in her heart to forgive him after this whole thing ends. He hopes she won’t hold a grudge against him for toying with her feelings. Even now, in this mess, Dean knows he’s not going to end up with her. He knows that Daisy isn’t it for him. Not in the way Cas is. She’s really nice and doesn’t deserve Dean treating her like this. She doesn’t deserve a guy whose thoughts are stuck on someone else.

Dean walks into the house and doesn’t look back. He knows he’s a bad person. Good people don’t do shit like this. Good people say how they’re feeling. They don’t just act on impulse. Sam would never pull something like this. He would never do anything to hurt Jess.

Dean hangs out on the balcony for the rest of the night. He hopes Cas will come talk to him, but he never does. Dean supposes that if he wants to talk to Cas, then he has to be the one to start the conversation. He has to be the one to apologize.

Even though Cas was the one to kiss Daisy first. He didn’t have to go on that date. He didn’t have to accept the rose from her. He didn’t have to kiss her.

Dean wonders how Cas felt during the date today. Maybe he felt like he had no choice. Maybe he was just trying to figure out his feelings.

At the very least, he knows that Cas didn’t kiss her for the same reason Dean kissed her. Cas didn’t kiss her out of anger and frustration and a little bit of revenge.

He just hopes Cas will forgive him. He hopes this doesn’t alter the path they were on. Dean is going to leave this place, rose or not, and he hopes Cas wants to leave with him.

Dean hopes for a lot of things. But bad people don’t deserve the things they hope for.


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dean decides what he wants.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Welcome to chapter seven! I hope you like it!! Sorry it took me a hot minute to update. I started my new job this week. Also there's a new season of The Bachelor. Anyone watching it? It's so unnecessarily dramatic, but that makes it fun to watch.
> 
> Let me know what you think of this chapter!! Feel free to leave a comment and/or kudos! And my tumblr is swineaids if anyone's interested in talking to me over there!

Dean gets a group date a few days later. He was prepared. He saw it coming after Daisy gave him a heads up.

But Dean wasn’t prepared for silence from Cas. He wasn’t prepared for Cas to spend all his time alone and refuse to talk to Dean.

He doesn’t outright refuse to talk to Dean. He politely responds when Dean tries joking with him about other guys in the house or the weather or something else meaningless. But things are still tense between them, and Dean knows it won’t get better until he apologizes. Things won’t get better until they talk about their feelings. Dean somewhat dreads the inevitable conversation.

But a part of him doesn’t dread it. A part of him is excited for what it means and what will happen next. Maybe it can be the first step toward leaving this place with Cas by his side.

But instead of talking with Cas, Dean has to go on this stupid fucking date and pretend that he’s falling in love with Daisy rather than someone else.

It’s a mini golf date, which is kind of lame, but Dean’s happy to get out of the house. Even if it means he has to be around Daisy and a few of the other guys. Maybe he can hang back and put in no effort and let one of the other guys win. Maybe he can make it through this date and get back to the mansion and find Cas and apologize and actually have a conversation with the man.

No more ignoring his feelings. No more acting recklessly and hurting people. It’s time to man up and tell Cas what he wants.

“You a big mini golfer?” Daisy asks.

Dean laughs slightly. Daisy joins him at the back of the group and they watch a few other guys take turns golfing. Dean vaguely thinks about how Sam convinced him into coming on the show by telling him that some of the dates include flying to other countries and getting private concerts. Yet, here Dean is, playing fucking mini golf. Just his luck.

“I’m more used to regular golfing. But I guess I’ve done this once or twice,” he says, nodding to the rest of the guys.

“Once or twice?” She laughs. “Dean, you already got two hole-in-ones and we’re only on the seventh hole.”

“What can I say? I’m a natural,” he smiles.

Daisy laughs again and rests her head against his arm. She’s short enough that her head doesn’t quite rest on his shoulder and she has to look up to see his face. Dean stares down at her smile and he just. He feels so guilty. He feels guilty for not liking her in the same way she likes him. He feels guilty for not wanting her like that. He feels guilty for playing a game when he has no interest in the grand prize. A part of Dean wonders if he ever liked her. Even on the first night in those few minutes before he met Cas.

Dean ends up playing really well the rest of the night. So much so that, after Daisy reminds everyone that the guy with the best score gets extra time with her, he purposefully loses. He sneaks a glance at her face and can see the disappointment spread across her features.

The rest of the date is spent in the arcade next door. Dean strikes up a conversation with one of the guys, Parker, who isn’t hyperfocused on Daisy. It’s a breath of fresh air. Until Daisy taps Dean on the shoulder and asks to speak to him.

His mind goes into overdrive while she leads him outside. Maybe she’s sending him home. Dean knows he wants to go home, but not until he can talk to Cas. Not until he can apologize and fix things. Not until he can explain himself, and maybe even ask Cas to give him a chance.

“I was really disappointed when you didn’t win today,” Daisy says. She’s holding onto his hand, even after they sat down.

“I’m sorry,” Dean says. “I guess I’m not as good at mini golf as I thought,” he jokes.

“Dean,” she sighs. She takes both of his hands. He looks at her. “I want you to know that I’m starting to really like you. I have these feelings for you and,” she pauses. “I could see myself falling in love with you.”

His heart isn’t beating. He isn’t smiling. His mind is blank.

“But I don’t know,” she sighs. “Sometimes I find myself wondering if you feel the same.”

He can’t leave. Not yet. He needs to talk to Cas. He can’t be sent home right now. He just needs a little more time. One more day, max. He just needs enough time to talk to Cas.

Dean thinks about kissing her. But he knows he can’t do that. He can’t do that again. Even though Cas isn’t here, Dean knows that kissing her would only feel like betrayal. So, instead, he just hugs her. He wraps her up in her arms and gently holds her against him. She holds onto him tightly and Dean hopes it’s good enough for her. He hopes it’s good enough to not be sent home during this conversation.

Apparently, it is, because Daisy pulls back a few moments later and smiles at him. Before either of them can say anything else, another guy is approaching them and Dean silently thanks him for interrupting this conversation. He needs to get away from Daisy before he says or does anything that could get him immediately eliminated.

He’s able to sneak back into the arcade and spends the rest of the date under the radar. Just before they board the bus back to the mansion, Daisy gives a rose to a guy named Cameron, and Dean feels relieved. He made it through the date and now he’s just excited to get home and talk to Cas.They don’t get back to the mansion until after midnight and Dean practically runs through the house to find Cas, and feels the disappointment settling in when he finds the other man in bed asleep. It’s probably for the best because Dean is tired and thinking irrationally and he’d probably do something stupid and impulsive. Like kiss Cas. Except that probably can’t be considered too impulsive since Dean has thought about kissing Cas for a while now.

Still, Dean thinks it’s probably for the best that he takes the night and sorts out his thoughts and decides what he wants to say to Cas.

He came on this show in search of something. Maybe not love, but Dean was definitely looking for something to shake things up. He fell into a rut in his twenties. It was way too easy to spend a decade sleeping around and drinking his feelings away and ignoring his emotions. It was way too easy to push people away and pretend he’s not the broken little kid he once was.

But that shit gets old really quick. Especially when your baby brother has a stable life and a beautiful fiancée. Between the two of them, Dean was the one turning into their dad.

So maybe that’s why he came on the show. He needed things to change. He didn’t necessarily expect to fall in love. He didn’t necessarily expect to find someone or make a connection with anyone.

But Cas makes Dean feel like he can do anything. Cas is a warm light and Dean is a fly. Cas is honey and Dean is a bee. Cas brings meaning to a life that Dean was comfortable wasting. Cas is everything that Dean has been mindlessly searching for.

And it’s not that he wants to improve himself for Cas. He wants to improve himself because of Cas. He wants to be the best version of himself. Cas makes Dean want to be a better person.

Dean’s never felt like that before. But the feeling is intoxicating and Dean knows he would be an idiot to let it go without a fight.

He wants to leave the show. He wants to ask Cas to leave with him. He wants to move to New York for Cas.

Dean tries not to stare at Cas as he falls asleep because he knows that’s creepy, but he also can’t tear his eyes away. He can’t stop thinking about how everything he has ever wanted is sleeping in the bed next to him. He’s only known Cas for a few weeks, but Dean thinks he’d give up anything for him.

The thought should scare him, but it doesn’t. It excites him. Having these feelings excites Dean and it makes him feel a kind of happiness that he’s never experienced before. A kind of happiness that Dean thought he could never have. A kind of happiness he thought he never deserved. Dean can only wonder what he’d be feeling if Cas truly does feel the same way.

When Dean wakes up the next morning, Cas isn’t in his bed. He doesn’t even give himself a chance to change out of pajamas before leaving the bedroom and walking down the hallway and out to the balcony.

Cas turns around and his hair is a mess and his face is unshaven and his eyes are tired and Dean thinks he looks beautiful.

And then he’s walking toward Cas and acting before his brain can catch up and stop him. Dean puts a hand on the back of Cas’s neck, and Cas starts leaning in before Dean can even pull him forward.

The happiness Dean felt while having these feelings for Cas doesn’t compare to the happiness he feels while kissing Cas.

It feels right. It feels like Dean was made to kiss Cas. It feels like the only right thing he’s done in his entire life. In the middle of all the uncertainty and fear and wonder, it is the most whole Dean has ever felt. It feels like the most meaningful moment of his entire life.

Dean knows there are a few certainties in his life. There are a few truths that make up a part of him. He’s a strong believer in free will, but there are a few aspects of his life that are beyond his control, yet Dean accepts without question. He knows he was born to raise his brother. He knows he was born to be a protector for all the people in his life.

And he knows that he was destined to meet Castiel Novak.

This is it for Dean. Cas is it for Dean.

It’s Cas who pulls away, smiling, and Dean leans forward again before either of them can say anything. He needs it again. He needs to kiss Cas again.

And again. And again and again and again.

“I’m sorry for kissing Daisy the other day,” Cas mumbles against his lips.

Dean shakes his head. “Don’t. I’m sorry I went and kissed her. I don’t know why I did it.”

Another kiss. “It’s okay, Dean.”

And another. “I’m still sorry.”

Cas kisses him in lieu of saying anything else and Dean considers apologizing again, because he almost ruined this and he wouldn’t have forgiven himself for that, but the apologies melt away from his brain after Cas’s lips stay pressed to his.

The tension, sexual and otherwise, melts away and they find themselves curled up on one of the benches after a while, staring out at the mountains. Dean vaguely thinks about how anyone could walk in on them, but he doesn’t fucking care. Send him home. Send them both home. He doesn’t want to be here anymore. He has no reason to be here.

He hopes Cas is feeling that way too. He hopes Cas is willing to leave with him.

“Do you want to go on a walk?” Cas asks.

“Where?”

“Maybe down by the beach. Somewhere out of sight.”

“You hate the beach.”

“Yeah, but you like it.”

Dean’s heart clenches in his chest. He kisses Cas again. It’s the most freeing feeling. To kiss the person you like whenever you want. It also feels pretty fucking great to know that Cas is willing to be uncomfortable on the beach and get sand in his shoes just for Dean. It sounds small and insignificant, but Dean hasn’t ever had someone like that before. He’s never had a person willing to make a small sacrifice just to make Dean happy.

And Dean knows that given the chance, he will happily sacrifice a lot of things just to make Cas happy.

The mansion’s private beach is really far down off the property. Dean wonders out loud if they should be heading down there. This time it’s Cas, holding his hand and pulling him toward the beach and insisting that it’s fine.

“I think it’s imperative that we discuss what happens next,” Cas says.

Dean nods. They’re walking slowly along the beach. They’re not holding hands, but they keep brushing their arms against each other. They keep looking at each other and smiling. Sometimes, Cas stops him and kisses him. Dean feels like he can’t breathe.

“I know there is a rose ceremony tonight,” Cas says. “I got a rose the other day. Technically, I’m safe.”

“You want to stay here another week?”

“I don’t think that is a wise idea.”

“The only way I’d stay is if you were staying,” Dean says. It’s liberating to say his truth out loud to Cas. It’s freeing to admit that he’s staying on the show for Cas. “If I get a rose, then I would stay for you.”

“Dean, why would we stay here if we’re only on the show for each other?”

“Because I want to figure out what the hell this is,” Dean says, desperately. “I don’t want to go back to Kansas and have you go back to New York. I don’t want to lose this.”

More like, Dean doesn’t want to lose Cas. More like, Dean doesn’t want to let go of Cas now that he has him. He can feel in his gut that they are meant to end up together, and he is not letting anything ruin that.

“People do long distance,” Cas tries. He’s starting to sound desperate too.

“Yeah, but for how long? I wouldn’t ask you to give up your job and move to Kansas before we even know what this is.”

“I don’t want to give up my job.”

“Exactly,” Dean says. “I have my job back in Lawrence. I have Sam. I have friends there.”

Cas is quiet. He’s looking at the ocean.

“What if I move to New York and things don’t work out?” Dean says.

His voice is quiet. He’s not looking at Cas’s face. He’s scared to admit that he would move to New York in a heartbeat for Cas. He’s scared to admit that he’s already willing to give up nearly everything for Cas.

“I’d feel guilty if you uprooted your life for me and then we broke up.”

“Exactly,” Dean says again.

“We’re kind of doomed from the start then.”

“But we don’t have to be.”

“Dean,” Cas sighs.

“No, Cas, listen.” He takes a deep breath. He’s never been this open and vulnerable before, but Dean knows he needs to lay his cards out. “I feel like I’ve spent my whole life in some dark room just stumbling around and searching. I didn’t even realize I was living like that until I met you.”

Cas doesn’t say anything, but he grabs Dean’s hand and squeezes it.

Dean clears his throat and deflects to humor. “I’m not giving up, dude. You’re gonna have to try a lot harder to get rid of me.” He squeezes Cas’s hand.

They keep walking, but now in silence. Dean thinks about what life will be like after the show. He thinks about leaving the show with Cas. He thinks about doing long distance. He thinks about only seeing Cas every month or so. He thinks about having to get on a fucking plane every time he wants to see Cas.

He thinks about moving to New York for Cas. He thinks about having to find another job out there. He thinks about leaving Sam back in Kansas. Morbidly, he thinks about his parents’ graves in Lawrence. He thinks about how he can go wherever the hell he wants, but his parents will forever be stuck in the ground in Lawrence.

Dean didn’t agonize this much when he moved with Sam to California. Out there, he had Sam. Sure, they fought, but they still had each other. They were still brothers and nothing was ever going to break that bond.

Dean has done some stupid, reckless shit in his life. He’s done countless things without thinking that wound up almost killing him. He’s done so many risky things that he can’t even keep track anymore.

Still, Dean doesn’t have many regrets. There aren’t many of his stunts that stick out in his head as something he shouldn’t have done. Nothing’s killed him yet. Sam’s had to pick up a few broken pieces here and there, but Dean is mainly intact.

Maybe moving to New York is risky. Maybe he and Cas won’t last in the real world. But that doesn’t mean Dean will be stuck there. It doesn’t mean that he won’t have Kansas to go back to. It doesn’t mean that he won’t have Sam to rely on.

“Can I ask you something?” Dean asks.

“Anything,” Cas says.

“Why did you come on the show?”

Cas is quiet for a moment. “I really like what you said before about stumbling around in the dark.” He smiles. “I think I can relate to that sentiment. I didn’t really notice until now. But I was really lonely before I came here. I was just going through the motions of work and nothing else.” He pauses. He reaches up and touches Dean’s shoulder. “I didn’t expect to fall in love here. I didn’t expect to make a connection with someone here. But after meeting you. I don’t know. It’s like I was blind before.”

Dean slowly leans forward and kisses Cas. Slowly, softly, gently.

“I didn’t realize I was lost until I came here and you found me,” Cas whispers.

Dean doesn’t even try to hold back his tears, but he does laugh. “Man, that’s like, so fucking cheesy.”

Cas smiles like nothing can touch him. “I know.”

They walk on the beach in silence for a little while longer. Dean knows they still have a lot to talk about. They still need to talk about what their plan is for leaving and if they are going to do long distance and how this is supposed to work. They need to talk about how a relationship between them will work.

It’s clear that they like each other. A lot. Maybe even love each other. And it’s clear that they don’t want to lose each other. And Dean is scared that talking everything out will ruin things. He’s scared that they won’t last beyond this place. He’s scared of losing Cas because now that he has him, Dean refuses to let go.

Cas takes a few steps away from Dean when they hear someone shouting for them. Dean turns and sees one of the producers jogging to them. He silently curses.

“Guys, you’re really not supposed to be down here,” the producer starts.

“Sorry,” Cas says. Dean stays silent.

The producer eyes them. “We’re starting the rose ceremony earlier than normal. Come back to the house and get dressed.”

She leads them back to the house, turning around every few moments to make sure they’re following, so there’s no chance for Dean to talk to Cas or even grab his hand.

They get ready surrounded by the other guys talking and laughing and worrying. Dean’s worrying too, but for completely different reasons.

There’s no chance to ask Cas what they should do. There’s no chance to ask what their master plan is. There are no more chances to talk about them and what’s going to happen to them.

A few guys were already given roses this week. Cas was one of them. Dean stands next to him.

Dean doesn’t think he’ll ever get over how fucking boring the rose ceremonies are. On TV, they’re less than ten minutes, but Dean knows these are hours of his life that he’ll never get back.

Dean glances up and locks eyes with Daisy.

She smiles at him. “Dean.” She’s practically glowing.

Dean still takes a moment to steal a glance from Cas before walking forward. He walks slowly. He thinks about Cas. Thinks about kissing Cas and confessing his feelings to Cas. He thinks about how kissing Cas feels like the most natural thing in the world.

“Dean,” Daisy says, looking up at him. “Do you accept this rose?”

He needs more time with Cas. He needs more time to talk with Cas. He can’t keep faking things with Daisy, but he can’t go home yet. He just can’t.

He could say no. He could reject the rose. He could ask Cas to leave with him. He could ask Cas to go back to Kansas with him, just for a bit. They could go to Dean’s tiny apartment and talk about the future of their relationship. He could introduce Cas to Sam and Jess. Dean’s whole body warms at the thought. Cas keeps him warm.

Or he could say yes. He could accept the rose. He could keep their relationship in its little bubble. Dean knows he’s not getting off this show without the drama of falling for one of the other male contestants. He knows the show will twist it into some big dramatic plot point for the show.

That’s another reason why Dean wishes he and Cas met outside of this. He wishes they could be like any normal couple. He doesn’t want this. He doesn’t want any of this shit. He just wants to take Cas’s hand and run.

Instead, Dean simply says, “yes.”

He waits as Daisy pins the rose to his blazer, and then returns the hug she gives him. Dean removes himself as quickly as he can and stares at Cas as he walks back over to his spot.

He feels Cas watching him and Dean turns his head. He’s well aware of all the other people in the room. He’s well aware of the cameras. He just. He doesn’t really care anymore. He tilts his head slightly in an apology for accepting the rose. He didn’t really know what to do in the moment, but he figures that if he and Cas decide tomorrow that they want to leave then they can leave. They can ignore the dramatics and just tell a producer they’re leaving.

Can’s eyes soften and he shakes his head the tiniest bit. Dean’s thankful they’re in the back row because Cas moves his hand over to Dean’s.

It’s subtle and they’re not even looking at each other anymore, but Dean feels Cas’s fingers tracing the back of his hand. The gesture is calming and Dean feels okay. He feels like everything is going to work out.

Despite everything, as long as he has Cas next to him, everything is going to be okay.


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dean and Cas watch the sunrise from the top of a mountain.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi hi welcome back! Hope y'all enjoy this chapter. I have the next one nearly completed already so I'm gonna try not waiting another full week to post it.
> 
> LMK what you think!!! Feel free to leave a kudos/comment!! I love getting feedback!!

The next few days are somewhat of a whirlwind.

Hometown dates are coming up, apparently, and the pressure in the house is building. Dean knows that he and Cas can’t stay much longer. He knows they’re getting down to the wire. They talked a few times since the rose ceremony and they keep circling back to the same problems.

Leaving the show. Long distance. Surviving in the real world.

“Do you think we could make it work outside of this place?” Dean asks. They’re sitting on their balcony watching the sun set. “I like you so much and I don’t want some stupid real-life thing to come between us.”

“I’m sure we’ll have our moments like any other couple. But the most important thing is that we like each other and want to put each other first.”

“That makes sense,” Dean nods. He plays with a thread on his shirt and looks up again. “I’m just really scared of losing you.”

“You’re not going to lose me.”

“What if the distance is too much? Or, what if I move to New York and one of us resents the other?”

“What if you move to New York and get your own apartment?” Cas counters.

“Like I can afford that,” Dean laughs.

Cas shakes his head. “I know some landlords. And it’s not that expensive. Rent in upper Manhattan can be less than a couple thousand a month.”

Dean breathes out a laugh. “Dude, I pay six hundred now.” Cas is giving him a look and Dean glares gently before Cas can get a word out. “And you’re not helping me make rent.”

“Can I help you find a lead on a job?”

Dean sighs and shrugs. “I don’t want to feel like I owe you anything.”

“You won’t owe me anything. I want to help you.”

Dean shrugs again.

“I know a couple of mechanics who could use someone.”

Dean looks away at that. “Sometimes I don’t know if I want to keep being a mechanic,” he says honestly.

Cas doesn’t even flinch. “Well, what do you want to do?”

“I don’t know, man.”

Cas looks thoughtful. “Didn’t you tell me you wanted to be a firefighter?” he asks.

“Yeah, when I was a kid.”

“And that doesn’t mean you can be one now?”

“I don’t know. It’s always seemed like a pipe dream. I just,” Dean pauses, suddenly uncomfortable.

“You just don’t think you deserve the things you want,” Cas finishes for him.

Dean laughs slightly. The truth can be hard to hear, especially coming out of someone else’s mouth. “Sometimes I feel like my life has never been mine.” He can’t bring himself to look at Cas’s face. “When I was a kid, the things I wanted didn’t matter. It was all about Sam. And I was okay with that. I still am. I forced myself to grow up so that Sam could be a kid for as long as possible.”

“Dean,” Cas whispers. His voice sounds pained.

“And I ignored the things I wanted,” Dean continues. “Even basic things, like the last of the Fruit Loops or sneaking off to the motel arcade. I couldn’t do kid things because my dad wasn’t around and I had to be there for Sammy.”

Cas rubs Dean’s back and leans in even closer to him. “You sacrificed so much of yourself over and over. Don’t you think you deserve happiness now?”

Dean finally looks at Cas again. “I’ve had these walls up my whole life. Kind of like I was protecting myself. I didn’t let myself feel anything for so long.”

Cas is quiet and then he leans in. He presses his lips to Dean’s forehead and whispers, “I wish you could see how beautiful you are.”

Dean looks away at that. He’s never had a person say these kinds of things to him. When he’s dated people in the past, so many of them focused on his looks. He got used to being called pretty. Dean would accept the compliments and reject the emotional intimacy. But he’s never been called beautiful. Not like this.

“Your soul is beautiful, Dean. I feel like you glow every time I look at you.”

God, he’s so fucking in love with this man, Dean thinks he might implode. He kisses Cas and holds his face close. He just holds him. He lets himself feel Cas’s face and lips against his own. He wants to spend the rest of his life feeling Cas pressed against him.

“I want you to promise me something, Dean.”

“Yeah?”

“Promise me you’ll start believing in yourself. Promise me you’ll go after the things you want and live your life unapologetically. Promise me you won’t stand in the way of your own happiness.”

“Cas,” Dean says softly. He presses his lips to Cas’s again. Not quite kissing him. Dean just lets himself take in Cas. He lets himself take in the moment.

“Promise me,” Cas mumbles against his lips.

“I promise,” Dean says.

They stay like that for a little bit. The sun has fully set now and Dean feels more comfortable in the darkness. He feels less exposed. Lips pressed together turns into kissing which turns into making out.

“You know, the New York City Fire Academy is only a four-month program,” Cas mumbles. In the middle of their make out session.

Dean actually laughs at that. “That’s what’s on your mind right now?”

“I was just thinking about it,” Cas says, smiling against Dean’s lips.

“How do you even know that off the top of your head?”

“One of my colleagues used to be a volunteer firefighter before he got tenure.”

“Very interesting,” Dean mumbles between kisses.

Cas pulls back for a moment and gives Dean a sobering look. “It’s just something to think about. I want you to know that you can do anything you want. Your options are wide open.”

Dean nods. He’s never had someone so invested in his life. It’s intimidating and he hopes he doesn’t disappoint Cas. He’s used to not meeting people’s expectations.

He’s used to wanting things. He’s spent years wanting people and feelings and new experiences. He’s spent his whole life in yearning and pining, and now. Now, Dean has something that he has spent years searching for. Something that he never thought he could have. Something he never thought he would deserve.

He has options in life. That idea is something Dean never gave much consideration toward. He grew up feeling like the player two in his own life. He followed his dad around aimlessly, and then followed Sam after their dad left.

Now, he wants to follow Cas to New York. Maybe that’s not a good idea. Maybe Dean should do the things that he truly wants to do instead of following other people around.

But this is different. Cas is different. Dean wouldn’t be following Cas because of a lack of purpose in his own life. He wouldn’t be following Cas for some self-serving reason. He’d be following Cas for them. For their relationship. For the future they could build together. Dean can make his own life in New York. He can be his own person with Cas by his side.

Dean’s thoughts are interrupted by a producer coming out onto the balcony. Cas puts distance between them and blinks at the producer like he didn’t have his tongue in Dean’s mouth a minute ago. Like they weren’t just planning to run away together.

“I recommend getting to bed, guys. We’re getting an early start on filming tomorrow,” the producer says.

Her look makes Dean feel exposed. But still, he nods and smiles at her and like he and Cas were just casually hanging out. Like Dean isn’t a heartbeat away from uprooting his entire life and moving to a new city for a guy he’s known less than a month.

The producer leaves and Cas takes Dean’s hand again. He gives Dean one more kiss before dropping his hand and standing up.

Dean sighs, but he knows they can’t stay on this balcony forever. He briefly wonders if Cas’s apartment has a balcony. Dean lets himself imagine a future where he and Cas sit on a New York City balcony together and watch the sun rise and set. He imagines a tiny apartment and brick walls and the sounds of traffic. He imagines a life with Cas. Every part of Dean wants that life with Cas, and it doesn’t scare him for a second.

When they crawl into their separate beds that night, Dean desperately wishes he could be next to Cas. He imagines their future together. He imagines sharing a bed with Cas every night. He imagines feeling safe and protected with Cas next to him. He imagines just getting to be with Cas.

Dean knows that’s all he wants. He just wants to be with Cas. He wants to exist next to Cas and just watch him be. Dean thinks he would be content if he were to spend the rest of his life just watching Cas be.

The producer wasn’t kidding about the next day being an early morning. Dean gets woken up at three and is told to be ready for an impromptu group date with all the remaining guys. He’s also told to wear comfortable shoes.

It’s not really impromptu if they were given a warning last night, Dean thinks, but whatever. He’s not going to be on this show much longer. Soon enough, he’ll get back to the real world. And then he can start a life with Cas. Dean smiles at the thought.

“What do you think we’re doing?” Dean whispers to Cas.

They’re standing on the driveway in front of the mansion with the rest of the guys. Dean takes a moment to look around the front of the mansion. It looks different from the first night. He remembers stepping out of the limo and noting how beautiful Daisy and the mansion were. Now, it just looks like some oversized house. The driveway isn’t hosed down. The lights are off. Dean isn’t searching for the beauty like he was before. He has Cas now. He found beauty in Cas.

“I have no idea,” Cas says as a bus drives up.

Daisy steps out with Chris Harrison, and Dean takes a moment to note how they both seem to force themselves to smile extra wide whenever the cameras are around. Dean hasn’t been doing that. If anything, he forces himself not to swear when he sees the cameras. He also tries to not stare at Cas too much. Dean’s sure he’s failed on both accounts.

“I want to thank you guys for waking up this early with me,” Daisy says, as if they had a choice. “We’re going to one of my favorite hiking trails from when I was a kid. My parents used to wake me up in the middle of the night so that we could hike and watch the sunrise.” She takes a moment to look at each of the guys. Her eyes focus on Dean. “I want to share those memories with you guys. I want to experience it all again with my future husband.”

Dean holds the eye contact with Daisy until she looks away to get back on the bus. As soon as she does, he feels like he can breathe again. He brushes his hand against Cas’s, just to have something to ground him.

He follows Cas onto the bus and deliberately sits in the open seat next to him rather than Daisy. Dean throws a quick glance in her direction and she’s looking at him. A mix of confusion and upset spread across her features and Dean doesn’t have time to react before Tanner is taking the seat next to her.

Daisy’s face brightens immediately and Dean exhales. He knows that she likes him. She said she could fall in love with him. And Dean is just kind of fucking with her. But it won’t be like that for much longer. He’s going to leave. He and Cas are going to leave. Maybe today they can pull aside a producer and announce that they are leaving. It doesn’t have to be dramatic. It doesn’t have to be a thing. It can just be Dean-and-Cas running away together. That’s all it has to be.

“What are you thinking about?” Cas whispers.

The bus is moving now. The lights are off and everyone else on the bus is quiet. It reminds Dean of being a kid, in the passenger seat of the Impala at three in the morning, Sam asleep in the back, and their dad at the wheel, driving them to somewhere new.

“Leaving,” Dean whispers back, truthfully.

Cas gives him somewhat of a sad smile and grabs Dean’s hand, entwining their fingers. “We will,” he says softly. The words roll off his tongue easy. Like leaving is just as simple as saying the words. Dean hopes it will be.

The bus drives up most of the mountain and Dean is thankful for that. He’s never been a big fan of hiking. Sam and Jess used to hike constantly during their semester breaks. Dean joined them on occasion, but it didn’t feel like the magical experience that Sam promised it would be. It also didn’t help that Dean felt like a third wheel.

“So, you hate beaches, but how do you feel about hiking?” Dean asks.They’re off the bus now and trailing behind the group far enough that no one can hear them. Besides the microphones strapped to their clothes. Dean kind of wants to tear it off his body.

“I love hiking,” Cas says.

“Really?”

“Yeah. You get to be at the top of the mountain. I like looking down at the world.”

“You sound kind of like a dictator, Cas,” Dean chuckles.

“We used to do these family hikes up in New Hampshire. It’s beautiful up there. When you’re that high up, it’s like nothing else matters.” He brushes his hand against Dean’s and lowers his voice. “I’ll take you there one day. You deserve to see that kind of beauty.”

Dean tries to not get choked up at that. “God, I want to kiss you so badly,” he says. He doesn’t give a fuck about the mics.

Cas smiles at him and brushes their hands together again.

It’s only about a half mile hike and it’s still dark when they reach the top of the mountain. Dean supposes that some of the producers came here earlier because there are blankets and chairs set up. One guy asks to talk to Daisy and the rest of the guys split up into smaller groups. Dean uses this opportunity to take Cas’s hand and bring him to one of the blankets by the edge of the mountain. He doesn’t even care that any person or camera could catch their hands together. He doesn’t care.

“You do much hiking in the city?” Dean asks once they’re settled on the blanket, their backs to everyone else.

Cas shakes his head. “I try to get out of the city when I can. There’s some good hiking upstate,” he says. He turns his head and looks at the sky. “Nothing compared to this, though.”

The sky is no longer black, but now different shades of medium blue. There’s a hint of orange in the distance, and it reminds Dean again of sleepless nights spent in the Impala. It reminds him of waking up at sunrise and watching the sky change from night to day. It reminds him of his years spent living in California, driving up and down the highway during the middle of the night, just so that he could watch the sunrise in the morning. It reminds him of the loneliness he felt every time he watched the sky change.

He doesn’t feel lonely now. Cas is next to him. Dean finds it damn near impossible to look at the sunrise with Cas by his side. Cas keeps talking about the beauty of the mountains and the sky. He keeps talking about the breathtaking views of the mountains back home and the way the sun rises over the ocean and how it paints the entire sky in different yellows and pinks and oranges.

But to Dean, Cas is what takes his breath away.

Cas is the most beautiful person Dean has ever met. His smile is brighter than the sun. His eyes are bluer than the sky. Dean wants to kiss the crinkles by his eyes. He could spend hours staring at Cas’s face and not get bored for a second.

Dean thinks back to the night he met Cas. He thinks about how reserved and nervous Cas was. He thinks about how Cas bluntly stated that neither of them was going to end up with Daisy.

“Remember on our first night here when you said that neither of us would win this thing?” Dean asks.

“Yes,” Cas says simply. He looks at Dean and knocks their shoulders together, smiling. “Guess I was right.”

“Yeah,” Dean says. “But I still feel like we won.”

Cas’s eyes soften. They always do when Dean says something kind like that.

Dean really, really fucking wants to kiss him. He glances behind him and looks at everyone else huddled in their own groups. They’re not paying any attention to him and Cas, but the cameras are still on, and Dean wants to avoid any potential drama.

But then again, he also really wants to kiss Cas on top of a mountain during sunrise.

But Dean supposes that this won’t be his only chance.

“You promise to show me some good mountains in New York?” Dean asks.

Cas nods. The sun is peeking out over the mountain range and a few rays land on Cas’s face. “Of course, Dean.”

“Good,” Dean says, still looking at Cas.

He’s seen plenty of sunrises in his lifetime, but he doesn’t think he’ll ever get enough of Cas.

When the sun rises in its entirety, the producers direct everyone to the campgrounds where they have breakfast waiting. Dean sits with Cas at their own picnic table, and he doesn’t care what anyone thinks.

“What’s it like living in New York?” Dean asks.

“It’s pretty cool,” Cas says. “There’s so much culture. My university gets me free admission to most museums so that’s how I spend a lot of my time.”

“Cool,” Dean says, unable to remember the last time he was in a museum.

“But it’s more than just that. I feel like I discover something new every day. When I walk around the city, I feel like I’m a part of something.”

“Yeah?”

“I don’t feel stuck,” Cas says. He looks at Dean again. “I feel free.”

“That sounds really nice,” Dean says.

“It is,” Cas says. “I can’t wait to show you around.”

“Me neither.”

“Even if you don’t end up moving there,” Cas says, maintaining eye contact. “You’ll visit. And I’ll show you around.”

Dean nods, not trusting himself to speak. Instead, he places a hand on Cas’s arm. The thought of staying in Kansas is sounding less and less appealing. It’s not like there’s any reason for staying in Kansas. Besides Sam and a few friends. But Sam talks about leaving. He and Jess have talked about leaving Kansas ever since the three of them moved back.

And even if he does move to New York, it doesn’t mean he can never go back to Kansas. It doesn’t mean he can never visit his parents’ graves in Lawrence or go see Bobby.

Dean’s taken a lot of risks in his life, but none of them measure up to this. Nothing is quite as big as uprooting his entire life for a guy he just met.

Dean has seen Cas every single day for the past few weeks. He goes to sleep and wakes up every day with Cas just a few feet away from him. He spends day in and day out, with Cas, talking and laughing and joking and getting to know each other. Dean thinks Cas may know him better than any person in the world, besides Sam.

And Dean isn’t ready to give that up. The thought of going back to his tiny apartment and living for the days that he’ll see Cas again makes Dean sick. He doesn’t want that. He doesn’t want to go back to what his life was when he has the possibility of something beautiful.

One of the producers eventually lets everyone know that it’s time to start heading back to the bus. Dean turns his head, his hand still on Cas’s arm, and catches a camera on him and Cas. Dean thinks about pulling his hand back, but he doesn’t. He glares at the camera until the cameraman turns away.

God, Dean can’t wait to get the hell out of here.

Dean’s exhausted on the ride back to the mansion, but he forces himself to stay awake. Cas falls asleep, his head resting on Dean’s shoulder, and Dean nearly sprains a muscle trying to keep as still as possible. He’s seen Cas sleep plenty of times now, but having Cas rest his body against Dean’s for support makes his heart nearly stop in his chest. Dean thinks he might explode with all these feelings he has for Cas.

Dean just wants to sleep as soon as they get back to the mansion, but Chris Harrison is waiting in the driveway with a bunch of cameras. He’s holding a rose. Dean silently curses.

“Daisy. Gentlemen,” Chris greets as soon as they’re off the bus. “We’re having a bonus rose ceremony in a few days. So, you guys better make the most of your time.” He holds up the rose. “But in the meantime. Daisy.” He walks forward and hands her the rose.

Dean prays to a god he doesn’t believe in that neither him nor Cas receive this rose. He’s too tired for this shit. He’s not going to keep dragging this out. If there’s another rose ceremony in a few days, then he and Cas really need to get their shit together.

Daisy takes a moment to look at each guy. Dean doesn’t notice when she looks at him because he can’t take his eyes off Cas. He only sees Cas because no one and nothing else matters to him.

But he gives himself a few moments to look away. For one moment, he looks at Chris Harrison, who is staring back at him, which makes Dean feel slightly sick. Another moment, he looks at Tanner, who is looking at Daisy in the same way that Dean looks at Cas. And for one last moment, Dean looks at Daisy, and she’s looking at him expectantly. Like she was waiting for the moment that he would finally look over at her.

Daisy looks back at Tanner. She gives him a genuine smile. “Tanner.”

Dean feels himself exhale and relax. He didn’t realize how tense he was until he heard Daisy call Tanner’s name. Dean doesn’t know what he would have done if Daisy gave him a rose in that moment. It would mean he’s safe. It would mean he’s one step closer to marrying her. It would mean getting closer to a life he doesn’t want, and further from a life he does.

Dean’s walking into the house as soon as filming commences and the cameras are being packed up. He’s exhausted and the pressure of the show is starting to get to him. Cas follows him upstairs toward the bedrooms.

“Do you think Daisy is going to give us roses?” Cas asks.

They’re in their room now. With over half the guys eliminated, Dean and Cas are sharing the room with only two other guys rather than the six at the beginning. But Dean still wishes it was just him and Cas alone.

“I don’t know, man,” he sighs.

“Would you accept the rose if she gave you one?”

Dean sits on his bed and rubs his hands over his face. He doesn’t want another rose. He doesn’t want to be here. He doesn’t want to continue any sort of romantic relationship with Daisy. He just wants to be with Cas.

“I don’t think so,” Dean answers.

“I wouldn’t,” Cas says easily.

“You wouldn’t?”

“I don’t want to stay here longer than necessary, Dean.”

Dean understands. He doesn’t want to be here any longer either. But is he really about to uproot his entire life for one guy? Is he ready for that? Is he ready to move away from Sam and be truly on his own? Dean doesn’t want to rely on Cas the way he relies on Sam. He knows he relies on Sam a lot, maybe too much. And he doesn’t want Cas to be the reason for his happiness. He wants happiness along with Cas, not because of Cas.

“I’m going to take a nap,” Dean says. He doesn’t trust himself to say anything else.

Cas looks like he’s about to say something, but he doesn’t. He leaves the room and Dean hopes he’s not upset. He never intended on hurting Cas.

He never intended on hurting Daisy either. But Dean sees the way she looks at him. He knows he can’t keep doing this. The longer he and Cas stay, the more pain it’s going to cause.


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's coming down to the wire and Dean has decisions to make.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey hey! Hope you enjoy the chapter!! Let me know what you think!!! Feel free to leave a comment/kudos or come talk to my on my tumblr @ swineaids!! There's gonna be one more chapter and then an epilogue after this. Enjoy :)

The rose ceremony is in two days and Cas does not mention it.

Dean has a feeling that Cas is waiting for him to bring it up. Cas doesn’t talk about the impending rose ceremony. He talks about being a professor and how he’s considering getting a cat and ideas for books he wants to write and his ever-growing walking playlist. But he doesn’t talk about the rose ceremony.

Until Dean mentions it. Until Dean asks what Cas will do if he gets offered a rose. As if he doesn’t already know the answer.

“I’m not accepting another rose,” Cas says simply.

They’re on their balcony, holding hands and enjoying each other’s company.

“You’re not,” Dean says slowly.

“No. I think it’s a waste of everyone’s time.”

“Then what do you want me to do?”

Cas looks at him. “I’m not going to tell you what to do, Dean. I can’t make that decision for you.”

Dean nods, looking away.

“Do you want to accept another rose?” Cas asks, his voice wavering slightly.

Dean shakes his head immediately and squeezes Cas’s hand. “No. I want you.”

Cas doesn’t say anything. He keeps looking at Dean expectantly like he’s waiting for bad news. But Dean doesn’t know what else to say. He knows Cas is waiting around for him.

“You don’t think you deserve this,” Cas says. Quietly. Intensely.

Dean just looks at him.

“Why can’t you let yourself indulge in happiness?”

“Hey, man, I indulge plenty,” Dean jokes, a slight edge to his tone. He thinks about all the drinking and fucking he’s done over the years. He’s indulged in too much.

“But not in anything meaningful,” Cas says.

It hurts, but it’s true. Dean takes a shaky breath. “And you know why that is? Because I had a shitty childhood. Because my mom’s life got cut short and I was daddy’s blunt little instrument.” A couple tears run down his cheek and Dean ignores them. “You know, Cas, you could have just fallen in love with Daisy like you were supposed to, and you could have ended up with someone normal. Not this.”

Someone normal. Someone not so fucked in the head.

“Dean,” Cas says, wrapping an arm around Dean’s shoulders. “I just want you.”

“You shouldn’t.”

“You don’t get to tell me what I should or shouldn’t want, Dean.”

Dean laughs slightly, the tears still gathering in the corners of his eyes. He never used to be this emotional. Cas certainly makes him feel a lot of things. He certainly brings out the emotions in Dean.

“I still think you’re beautiful,” Cas says. He presses a kiss into Dean’s hair. “You’re still beautiful,” he murmurs.

Dean doesn’t get how someone like Cas could possibly like someone like him. He doesn’t understand how Cas can see all of his broken pieces and still think he’s beautiful. He doesn’t get it. But that doesn’t mean he has to push Cas away.

“You’re stuck with me and I’m stuck with you,” Cas says, more casually now and slight humor in his voice. He tilts his head a bit. “Maybe stuck isn’t the right word. But you should know that I don’t have these feelings often. And I’m all in. I choose you.”

Dean kisses him softly and Cas returns it for a few moments. Then Cas stands up and walks back toward the house. Dean watches him.

“Where are you going?”

There’s a spark in Cas’s eyes. “I’m getting a head start on packing.”

Dean laughs as he watches Cas leave, and turns back to the view in front of him. He’s going to miss this view. He’s going to miss sitting on this balcony with Cas. He’s going to miss kissing Cas on this balcony.

But the balcony doesn’t really matter. And if Dean does end up going to New York, then he’ll still have Cas. He doesn’t really need anything else.

Dean feels a little more relaxed after their conversation. He feels a little more solid in his standing with Cas. Not that he wasn’t before, but Cas made it clear that he wants Dean for everything that he is. Even the broken parts.

Dean eventually heads back downstairs where the rest of the guys are hanging out. He hasn’t interacted with them much. It seemed pointless when he could just be spending his time with Cas instead.

He spots Tanner talking with another guy. Dean thinks his name is Beckett. They give him a slightly weird look when Dean walks over.

“How’s it going?” Dean greets, smiling.

“Good,” Beckett shrugs.

“Where’s Cas?” Tanner asks.

“I think upstairs or something,” Dean says, as if he doesn’t know.

“I thought you two were joined at the hip,” Beckett says. There’s something about his tone that has Dean immediately building up his defenses.

Tanner must sense the tension because he says, “nothing wrong with making friends.” Dean silently thanks him.

“Yeah, as long as friendship isn’t your only goal here,” Beckett says in response.

Dean gives him a look. “I’m here for love.”

Tanner claps him on the back before anything else can be said. “Then that’s all that matters.” He gives Dean a knowing look.

Dean feels a little uncomfortable knowing that so many people are clocking him and Cas from a mile away. Though, he supposes, that they’ve been slightly more obvious lately. Especially ever since that first kiss. Dean thinks it’s a miracle that he hasn’t been kissing Cas every second of every day.

A small part of Dean thinks about how he will have plenty of time in the future to kiss Cas. He thinks about a future where he and Cas can do nothing except lie in bed all day and kiss and talk and be with each other.

A couple of other guys join their conversation and turn their attention to the upcoming rose ceremony. There’s talk about how many guys Daisy will be sending home. Apparently, midweek rose ceremonies are not common at all, and the rules fly out the window. Dean wonders why there are so many rules if the show is seemingly hellbent on breaking nearly all of them.

Cas eventually comes downstairs and Dean flocks over to him immediately. With Cas by his side, Dean instantly feels at home. He feels calm. Despite whatever else is happening, Dean feels a warmth spread across his chest just from Cas’s smile.

“Hey,” Dean says softly, just for Cas.

“Hi,” Cas greets back.

“Dean?”

Dean tears his eyes away from Cas to see a producer standing in the doorway with a phone in her hand.

“Yeah?” Dean asks.

“Your brother is on the phone. It’s an emergency. He says he’s in the hospital.”

Dean feels his heart nearly drop out of his chest. He doesn’t notice Cas’s hand fall to his wrist because he’s already across the room and grabbing the phone out of the producer’s hand and rushing out to the backyard.

He shouldn’t have come here. He shouldn’t have wasted more time here than necessary. He should have been at home in case Sam needed him. Every worst-case scenario flashes through Dean’s mind as he brings the phone up to his ear.

“Sammy? What’s wrong?” Dean demands, his voice laced with worry.

“Dean,” Sam says, and Dean immediately relaxes. He hasn’t heard Sam’s voice in a month, and Dean didn’t realize how much he could miss hearing it.

“Are you okay, Sammy? I can be on the next flight out of here,” Dean says.

“Dean, I’m fine,” Sam says. He laughs slightly.

A beat. “You’re fine?”

“Yeah.”

“They told me you were in the hospital.”

“Yeah, it was the only way I could get through to you. I figured they’d put you on the phone if I said it was an emergency.”

“Jesus, Sam,” Dean breathes out. He feels like he just lost ten years off his life. “Don’t fucking do that again.”

“Dean, I’m freaking out here,” Sam says. He suddenly sounds like a kid again and Dean can hear the fear in his voice.

“What’s wrong?”

“Jess is pregnant.”

Dean blinks. “Wow.” A moment passes and he finds himself smiling. “That’s awesome, man. Congrats, Sammy.”

“Dean, I don’t know what to do.”

“What do you mean you don’t know what to do?”

“I don’t know how to take care of a baby. What if I forget to support its head and it snaps its neck? Or what if I can’t teach it how to walk and talk and it doesn’t grow up right? I can’t do this. I can’t be responsible for a human life,” Sam says, his voice getting louder and louder with each sentence.

“None of that is gonna happen, Sam,” Dean says. “Don’t you and Jess want kids? You guys are always talking about it.”

“Yeah, but I didn’t think it would happen this soon. We’re not even married yet. I don’t have a job yet.” Sam pauses. “Oh god. I don’t have a job. Jess is trying to get her PhD. How am I gonna support them?”

“It’s gonna be fine, Sam. It’s all gonna work out. You’ll read the parenting books and you’ll learn on the job. You’ve got Jess and you’ve got me,” Dean says.

“How am I supposed to be a dad when our own dad set the worst example?” Sam asks, exasperated. Dean sighs, wishing he could be there in person for Sam’s freak out.

“Sam. Listen to me,” Dean starts. He waits for Sam’s breathing to even out before he says anything else. “Everything’s gonna be okay. You gotta trust me.” Dean pauses. “Yeah, our dad sucked. But we turned out pretty alright.” He can practically hear Sam nodding through the phone. “If John Winchester can raise good kids, then anyone can raise good kids.”

“I guess you’re right,” Sam says. He sounds calmer now. “Thanks, man. I guess I just didn’t expect this so soon.”

“How’s Jess feeling about all this?”

“She’s calmer now. She’s been on the phone with her mom for a while now. I’ve just been pacing around and freaking myself out.”

“Well, I’m excited,” Dean says. He smiles. “My baby brother is having a baby. Wow. You’re gonna be such a good dad, Sammy. And I’m gonna be the best uncle.”

Sam just laughs and Dean feels more at ease, excitement bubbling beneath the surface. That is, until Sam turns the conversation onto him.

“So, is my baby gonna have an aunt as well?”

Dean almost chokes at the question. He glances up and catches Cas standing behind the glass door, his eyes trained on the floor. It’s one thing for him and Cas to sneak around behind closed doors. It’s another thing to tell Sam. That just makes this real. But that’s what Dean wants. He wants something real. He wants this thing with Cas to be real.

“I met someone,” Dean says instead of answering the question.

Sam’s quiet. “Yeah,” he says like Dean’s stupid. “Daisy. You’re literally on the show.”

“Not Daisy.”

“I know you made jokes about fucking Chris Harrison, but I swear,” Sam laughs. Dean cuts him off.

“His name is Cas.”

Sam’s quiet for a few moments. And then he laughs in disbelief. “Cas? As in Castiel? As in one of the other contestants?”

Dean frowns. “How do you know about Cas?”

“They announced the contestants, like, a week after filming started,” Sam laughs again.

“Oh.”

“You should see what people online are saying about you.”

“I don’t really care.” Dean pauses, confused. “How do people already have an opinion of me?”

“I don’t know. From your picture they think you’re hot.”

Dean smiles to himself. “They’re not wrong.”

Sam waits a few moments. “So.” Another beat. “Cas?”

Dean looks up again and makes eye contact with Cas through the door. He gives him a small smile and Cas smiles back. “He’s really great,” Dean finally breathes out.

“Yeah?”

“Yeah. I don’t really know how it happened. I just felt drawn to him from the start. Guess he felt the same.”

“I’m happy for you, Dean.”

“Thanks, Sam.”

“So, are you leaving soon then? If you like this Cas guy then there’s no way you’re getting a rose, right?”

“God, I don’t even know.”

“Isn’t it simple?”

“I don’t know, man. Cas lives in New York. And we talked about me moving there. But is that a good idea? It sounds kind of risky.”

“Since when have you been afraid to do something risky?”

“This is different.” Dean’s quiet. He doesn’t know how to explain why.

But Sam does. “Because this time you actually care.”

Bingo. “What if you need me and I’m all the way in New York?”

“I’ll be fine, Dean. I’m just a phone call away. And I have Jess. You deserve someone too.”

Dean’s quiet. He tugs at a thread on his shirt and glances up again. Cas is still looking at him through the door. Dean already feels more at ease with just one look to Cas.

“And maybe I won’t be too far. Jess and I were already looking at houses on the east coast. Her parents are in Connecticut. She wants to be near them.”

Dean perks up at that. A new type of hope fills his chest. “I think I’m gonna move to New York, Sam.”

“I’m happy for you, Dean. I really am.”

“Thanks, man. And congrats. Seriously. I can’t wait to see you in action as a dad. You’re gonna be amazing. You and Jess both.”

“Thank you.” Sam pauses. “I’m glad you went on the show. You sound really happy.”

“I am,” Dean says. The familiar warmth of the past few days spreads through his chest again. “I definitely found what I was looking for.”

“Good.” Sam pauses. “Are you coming home soon?”

“There’s a rose ceremony in a couple days. I think Cas and I are gonna try and get out before then.”

“I can’t wait to meet him.”

“He’s excited to meet you too.”

Dean smiles when he imagines it. He grins as he pictures introducing Cas to Sam and Jess. He imagines Cas at the wedding. Cas in Dean’s car. Cas helping Dean babysit. Cas in Dean’s life.

Sam breaks him out of his daydream. “I gotta go. Jess just walked in.”

“Tell her I said congrats. I’ll talk to you soon.”

“I will. Bye, Dean. I love you.”

“I love you too, Sammy.”

The moment Dean sets the phone down, Cas is outside and striding up to Dean. He grips Dean’s wrist.

“Dean? Is everything okay with Sam?”

Dean nods, tears in his eyes. Happy tears. His life is changing so quickly and there are so many good things happening and Dean doesn’t think he’s ever been so overwhelmed. He wraps his arms around Cas’s neck and brings him closer. He breathes in Cas and takes a moment to hold the other man closer to him. He feels grounded when Cas’s arms wrap around him too.

“Dean?”

“Sam’s okay,” Dean finally says after pulling back. He keeps his arms around Cas’s neck, their foreheads pressed together.

“Good,” Cas breathes out.

Dean notices the way Cas looks genuinely relieved. Cas doesn’t know Sam beyond Dean’s stories. Yet, he still cares. He still worries. He stands around while Dean’s on the phone and waits for confirmation that Sam is okay.

“Jess is pregnant.”

“Sam’s fiancée?”

Dean nods. Cas smiles and hugs him again, congratulating him.

Dean kisses Cas. “I want to move to New York.”

Cas immediately perks up. He holds Dean tighter. “Really?”

Dean nods. “Yes. I want to be with you. I want to hike up mountains and watch the sunrise and have a real life with you.”

“That’s the only thing in the world I want.”

“Good.”

As it turns out, making the decision to leave is one of the easier parts of this process. Dean can run his mouth all he wants about how little he cares for this show. He can rant about it until he is blue in the face. But he still hesitates to march up to a producer, hand in hand with Cas, and announce their departure.

For one thing, they’re not filming again until the rose ceremony. And Dean still has a lot to consider. He needs to find an apartment and find a job and figure out what to do with his car and how he’s going to move all his stuff a thousand miles across the country.

After a minor freak out, Cas is the one who calms him down. As usual. Cas is the voice of reason. He spends the entire next day with Dean talking out every fear and doubt. He spells out all of Dean’s options with him and they make a plan together. After listening to Cas, all of Dean’s fears melt away.

Dean feels calmer every time after he talks to Cas. Maybe it’s the way Cas’s brain works or the sound of his voice, but there’s something about the other man that makes Dean’s panic disappear. The details and logistics of uprooting his life don’t seem as important. Cas is what’s important. As long as he has Cas, not much else matters.

On the day of the rose ceremony, Dean is woken up by Cas before the sun has even risen. He groans tiredly and rubs his hands over his eyes.

“You’re not a morning person,” Cas states like a fact.

“Not this early. Not twice in one week,” Dean mumbles, still holding his hands over his eyes.

Cas leans down so his head is next to Dean’s. “Watch the sunrise with me,” he whispers into Dean’s ear.

Dean doesn’t need any other motivation to get out of bed. He’s up and Cas is grabbing his hand and soon enough they’re on their balcony. Dean sighs as he relaxes against the railing, Cas next to him. Their arms brush together and Dean has never felt so content in his life.

“It’s weird to think that today might be our last day here,” Cas says.

Dean nods in agreement.

“It’s kind of bittersweet,” Cas continues.

“You having regrets?” Dean asks. He keeps his tone light, but he already knows Cas’s answer.

“No,” Cas says firmly. “But I’m going to miss this view. I’m going to miss this little bubble we have where it’s only us.”

“Hey,” Dean says. Cas turns to him. “No matter what, it’s always going to be only us. Okay? No one else. Nothing else. Just us.”

Cas kisses him. Dean wonders if there’ll be a day where he won’t feel like his heart is going to stop every time Cas kisses him. Dean isn’t sure he wants that day to come.

They kiss for a few moments and turn back to the sky. The sun rises shortly after. Dean watches the way the sky and the mountains in front of them transform. But mostly, Dean watches Cas. He’ll never get tired of watching Cas.

The move away from the balcony’s edge and sit on the bench. Cas keeps one hand entwined with Dean’s and one on his knee. They sneak a few kisses, but mostly they just sit. They just let themselves be with each other.

Dean’s the one to break the silence. “I want to talk to Daisy.”

Cas looks at him. “You do?”

Dean nods. “I don’t know if I can leave until I do. I feel like I’ve been stringing her along. I owe her an explanation.”

“You could talk to her during the cocktail party tonight,” Cas suggests.

Dean shrugs. He feels doubtful. Maybe he shouldn’t talk to her. It’s not like they had an actual relationship.

“She will be okay,” Cas says reassuringly.

“I know. I just feel kind of guilty.”

“Better to say it now than to waste even more of her time.”

Dean nods. He knows Cas is right. Dean has spent so many years running from confrontation. He got used to hiding and ignoring and avoiding. But he’s a different person now. He cares more. He feels more. Dean knows he’s grown up a lot in the past few years, but he feels like he’s aged even more in just the past month.

Ten years ago, Dean wouldn’t have given Daisy or her feelings a second thought. Ten years ago, Dean wouldn’t have allowed himself a second glance toward Cas. Ten years ago, Dean wouldn’t have let himself fall in love.

Tanner comes out to the balcony after a while and Dean doesn’t even bother moving away from Cas. He just can’t be bothered to give much of a shit anymore. Not when he has Cas and they’re leaving as soon as Dean can have a conversation with Daisy.

“You two look comfy,” Tanner says, grinning knowingly.

Dean shrugs. “It’s not a crime,” he says, cocky smile at home on his face.

Tanner puts his hands up. “You guys think you’re getting roses tonight?”

Dean doesn’t say anything, but Cas shakes his head. Dean just hopes that he can talk to Daisy, and then he and Cas can leave before the rose ceremony starts.

“I heard through the grapevine that Daisy is sending home one guy tonight,” Tanner continues.

Dean swallows. “Just one?”

Tanner nods again and Dean looks at Cas. Panicked. Worried. Maybe waiting to talk to Daisy is stupid. Maybe they should just get out of here right fucking now.

“I don’t know what’s going to happen,” Tanner says. “But I’m rooting for you guys. I really am.”

“Thank you,” Cas says sincerely.

Dean can’t find the words so he just nods as they watch Tanner leave. Dean sighs and leans his head on Cas’s shoulder. He closes his eyes and tries not to think about what could happen later. He tries not to think about Daisy. He tries not to think about the rose ceremony. If Dean’s certain about anything, it’s that he’s not wasting any more of his time waiting around during stupid fucking the rose ceremonies.

Dean and Cas spend most mornings on their balcony, just looking out at the mountains. But this is the last morning, so they spend a little bit longer there. They postpone the inevitable, just a bit longer. Dean’s going to miss this view, but he’s still going to have Cas.

When he and Cas eventually do make their way downstairs, it takes a little searching before Dean can find a producer. The mansion is pretty empty when filming isn’t taking place, and Dean can’t imagine being one of the last few contestants left. He thinks he’d go insane if he were alone in a house this big.

“Hey.”

The producer is near the mansion’s front door, scrolling lazily on her phone. She barely glances up.

“I need to talk to Daisy,” Dean says.

The producer finally looks at him. “She’ll be here in a few hours for the cocktail party.”

Dean feels desperate. He just wants to leave. He wants to explain himself to Daisy and then get the hell out of here. “But I need to talk to her now.”

“Can’t it wait, Dean?”

“Not really.”

She sighs. “I’ll see what I can do.”

“Thank you,” Dean says.

He waits for another moment, but she just goes back to her phone, so Dean takes that as his cue to fuck off. He passes the living room where he left Cas earlier, and goes straight up to his room.

Dean grabs his suitcase from under his bed and immediately starts packing. Not that he ever really unpacked. Growing up in motel rooms taught Dean how to live out of a suitcase. If packing quickly was a sport, then he and Sam would have gold medals.

Dean’s mind wanders to Sam. He thinks about Jess. He thinks about Sam and Jess having a baby. Dean smiles when he pictures the future. A child who will live a happy life and not have to experience the same pain that he and Sam went through.

And Dean doesn’t want to think about it, but he thinks about the possibility of Jess tragically dying. He thinks about Sam being left to care for a baby on his own. He thinks about Sam carting his child around all over the country to sleep in dirty motel rooms and eat greasy diner food.

Dean shakes his head because that could never happen. It would never happen. Sam might be similar to their dad, but he would never become that kind of person.

Tragedy reveals a person’s true nature. Losing his mom turned his dad into a monster. Dean doesn’t want to imagine his reaction if he lost Cas. He doesn’t know what Sam would do if he lost Jess. But Dean is certain neither of them would turn into their father.

“What are you thinking about?”

Dean looks up to see Cas standing in the doorway. Just his presence alone is immediately calming.

“You were frowning. Is everything okay?” Cas asks, stepping forward and sitting on the bed next to Dean.

Dean nods. “Just thinking.”

“You seem to do that a lot.”

“Guilty.”

Cas rests a hand on Dean’s shoulder. “You know I’m here if you ever need to talk.”

“I know,” Dean says.

Because he does. But he isn’t sure if now is the time to dump even more of his emotional baggage on Cas’s shoulders.

Cas looks like he wants to say something else, but he doesn’t. Instead, he takes the shirt that Dean was holding in his lap, folds it, and puts it in the open suitcase. He presses a kiss to Dean’s cheek and gives him a sheepish smile.

It takes every ounce of Dean’s self-control to not pin him to the bed here and now. Instead, he picks up a few more of his shirts that were sitting crumpled on the edge of his bed. He begins folding them.

“I’m thinking about Sam having a baby,” Dean eventually says.

“Yeah?”

Dean nods. “He’s my kid brother. I don’t care how tall he is or how many degrees he has. Sometimes I feel like just yesterday he was still a child. And then I blinked and now he’s about to become a dad and a lawyer.”

“I think that’s how a lot of parents feel.”

“I’m not a parent.”

“Yeah, but you’re the one who raised Sam. You were there for him. That’s all that matters.”

Dean chokes out a breath and nods. He looks at the ground. “I never really thought about having kids. I always thought I was too fucked up. And I was scared that I would turn into my father.” Cas’s hand finds Dean’s. “I already know Sam’s gonna be a great dad. And maybe I wouldn’t be so bad either.”

“You’d be amazing.”

Dean looks at Cas. “You want kids?”

“Yes,” Cas answers immediately. “Do you?”

Dean nods. His heart beats quicker in his chest. “I think I do too.”

Cas leans forward and kisses him gently. “I’m glad we’re on the same page then.”

The sit together for as long as they can. They hold hands and bask in the silence, and Dean stares into Cas’s eyes. Warm. Loving. Kind. Blue blue blue eyes.

A couple of other guys come into the room. Dean knows it probably looks weird for him and Cas to be sitting so close and holding hands and staring at each other.

But Dean doesn’t care. He’s done. This shit ends tonight. He refuses to be silenced any longer.

Getting dressed up feels kind of pointless since he and Cas aren’t participating in the rose ceremony. Dean’s going to grab Daisy the moment she walks into the house and explain himself. Then he and Cas are talking to the first producer they see.

And then they’re free to run away together.

Dean can’t wait until he’s back home and he doesn’t have to worry about strapping a microphone onto his clothes. He can’t wait to get back to reality. He can’t wait to start a real life with Cas.

One of the producers knocks on the door just as Dean finishes straightening Cas’s tie.

“Cameras are rolling in ten minutes, guys. Make sure you’re downstairs,” she says, her eyes locking on Dean’s hands.

“Is Daisy here yet?” Dean asks.

“Not yet,” she says, shaking her head before walking away.

Dean sighs. Cas gives him a questioning look.

“I wanted to talk to her without all these fucking cameras,” Dean says.

“I know,” Cas says, giving Dean a sympathetic look. He puts a hand on Dean’s shoulder. “But you’ll still get to have that conversation with her. That’s what counts.”

Dean nods. He doesn’t even really know what he’s going to say to Daisy. Something along the lines of an apology. He could see the look in her eyes every time they had a moment alone together. Dean knows that look all too well. He sees that look in Cas’s eyes. And he knows it’s the same look in his own eyes every time he looks at Cas.

He and Cas head downstairs and into the great room. There’s no alcohol or Daisy, which is unusual, but Dean tries to not let it bother him. He focuses on his breathing. He focuses on Cas right next to him.

Chris Harrison walks into the room and Dean’s stomach sinks.

“Gentlemen,” Chris greets. His gaze lingers on Dean and Cas. “We’ve decided to cancel the cocktail party tonight. It will just be the rose ceremony where one of you will be sent home.”

Dean feels the panic rise up in his chest as he watches the rest of the guys start to walk forward. He looks at Cas who appears equally nervous. This isn’t how it was supposed to happen.

“Wait,” Dean starts, and then pauses when he realizes everyone is looking at him. “I need to talk to Daisy.”

Chris Harrison gives Dean a sympathetic look. “I’m sorry, Dean. The rose ceremony is starting. If you get a rose, you can talk to her after.”

If he gets a rose. He looks at Cas again and Cas is just staring at the ground. He doesn’t move for a few seconds, but then he starts walking. Dean watches the guys in front of him move forward, but he can’t. He feels stuck. He didn’t mean for things to end up like this.

Cas glances back and nods once to Dean. He jerks his head toward the rest of the guys and Dean starts walking. He lets a producer tell him where to stand, and a part of Dean considers walking out of the room. He thinks about taking Cas’s hand and just leaving. Skip talking to Daisy and just announcing that he and Cas are going to leave.

Daisy stands at the front of the room by a podium piled with a dozen roses. Her face is stoic and Dean thinks about grabbing her hand and whisking her off to another room. He thinks about coming clean to her. He thinks of a hundred different possibilities as Daisy starts calling names.

“Mason.”

Maybe they’ll both get a rose tonight. Maybe they can just leave tomorrow.

“Ellis.”

Maybe Dean can just talk to her after the rose ceremony. He can explain himself and then he and Cas can leave. No drama.

“Tanner.”

Cas said he won’t accept another rose. Dean glances over and Cas looks like he might pass out. Dean’s glad he’s not the only one who’s nervous.

“Beckett.”

Dean suppresses every urge he has to grab Cas’s hand and run.

“Colin.”

Maybe one more day won’t kill them. Maybe they can accept a couple roses tonight and then leave in the morning.

“Grayson.”

No. Dean’s not staying here longer than he has to. It’s not fair to him and it’s not fair to Cas. He knows that they both deserve better than that.

“Adrian.”

Daisy keeps calling names and it makes Dean even more nervous. It’s not like he wants a rose, but he doesn’t want to leave like this. He didn’t want to be in any more rose ceremonies. He is more than done with playing this stupid fucking game.

He got what he came here for. He found Cas.

Dean and Cas still weren’t called by the time Daisy gets down to four roses left. His brain is numb and he’s not sure if he’s praying to hear his name or not.

Three roses left.

At the very least, he’s praying she calls Cas’s name. Cas at least knows what he wants. Cas knows he’s not accepting another rose.

Two roses left.

Maybe Daisy saved the last two roses for them. Maybe she’ll call Dean and then Cas and they’ll both accept the rose, and stay for one more day and then leave tomorrow.

“Elijah.”

Daisy twirls the final rose in between her fingers. She stares at the ground for a while before looking up once more. Her eyes dart across the room and Dean tries to keep his nerves under control.

Daisy’s eyes fall to Cas. They lock onto him. Dean sucks in a deep breath.

“Dean.”

Dean’s heart stops.


End file.
